Hawaii Five-0: Your Funny Face Appeals To Me

Which usually just meant it was a day ending in Y, as Chin had said once or twice before and which Danny tended to agree with, but he thought Steve was being a little weirder than normal. Mostly because he wasn't acting like Steve and had actually called for backup before storming in after the bad guys that morning.

It was enough to make Danny wonder what blatantly illegal thing Steve had done that he was trying to make up for before Danny found out about it, and then start worrying about exactly how bad the fallout was going to be. He shifted in the passenger seat of the Camaro to glare at Steve.

"What did you do, Steven? No, do not give me that face," Danny circled his hand in front of the goofy facial expression that Steve probably thought made him look innocent. "I do not believe that face. You think it says you didn't do anything, but I know it means you did. You did something. Tell me what it is right now and how much trouble it's going to cause us."

Steve grimaced as he sped up to make it through a yellow light. "I didn't do anything!"

"Uh hunh. You do know that you'll be in way more trouble if I have to figure out what you did than if you just confessed, right? Everybody knows that. Gracie knows that."

"You'd be surprised, my friend, you would be surprised. Behind that adorable little girl's façade there lies the heart and mind of a devious monkey who loves nothing more than to plan sneak tickle attacks when people least expect them."

That startled a laugh out of Steve, and he flashed a grin at Danny as they pulled into the parking lot at HQ. "Of course she does."

Danny tried to keep a straight face, but couldn't when met with that open smile. "Surprise tickle attacks are nothing to scoff at, Steve, especially not when perpetrated by a ten-year-old."

Steve's odd behavior continued on Tuesday when Danny tossed him the car keys and he tossed them right back.

"I'm good, you go ahead." Steve grinned at him over the roof of the car before getting in the passenger seat.

"Oh my God," Danny muttered, "now I know it's bad." He got behind the wheel and put the key in the ignition before turning to Steve. "What did you do, Steven? Please tell me there are no bodies."

Steve paused in the middle of putting on his seat belt and gave him a look that said he thought Danny was nuts. "There are no bodies, Danny."

"Do not look at me like that. I am legitimately concerned that you have finally gone over the deep end, here. Or, or, I know: you've been replaced by a pod person. That must be it. Aliens have invaded and they've chosen you to be their emissary and have replaced you with a cyborg while they interrogate you on the ways of earthlings." Danny snorted to himself as he pulled out of the parking space. "Not that you know how normal earthlings behave, but hey, it's not the aliens' fault they chose you to teach them about human social interaction."

"You're hilarious, Danny. Really, I think you should give up this whole detective business and take your show on the road. You'll send me postcards from all your exotic destinations, won't you?" Steve's deadpan look gave way to a delighted grin, the one Danny knew was only for him. "Grace and I will miss you, but you know we just want you to be happy. Sure, you'll only make it as far as the backwater casinos off the interstate with this stand-up routine of yours, but we'll learn to live with it."

Late Wednesday afternoon, Danny eyed the stack of papers on the side of Steve's desk. "Am I imagining things?"

"What are you imagining, Danny?" Steve's smile turned a little filthy as he looked up at Danny from under his lashes. "Besides things that are not work safe."

"Not at work, you goof." Danny shook a finger at him. "And unless my eyes are deceiving me, I think I'm imagining you doing paperwork on the day of an arrest. Paperwork, I might add, that I haven't had to prompt you to do multiple times."

Steve sat back in his chair, crossing his arms loosely over his chest as he turned to look straight at Danny with a smug grin. "What exactly is your point, Daniel?"

"Hmm." Danny enjoyed the view as Steve's sleeves stretched over his biceps, revealing the edges of his tattoos, then reluctantly turned his attention back to their ridiculous conversation. "You, paperwork, and the doing of said paperwork without any nagging required on my part. You are up to something, my friend, and I will figure it out."

"Well, you are a detective, Danny. A very good one, I might add, so I'd hate to think you couldn't figure out why I'm doing the paperwork required by my job."

"I will freely admit that even to a detective of my caliber your motivations are frequently as opaque as the great wide ocean you are so fond of, Aquaman."

Steve laughed as he turned back to his laptop. "It's good to know that not all of the mystery has gone out of our relationship."

By Thursday, Danny was beginning to wonder if Toast had put something in the water at Steve's place.

"Malasadas. You brought me malasadas and coffee. Who are you and what have you done with Steve McGarrett?"

"Just take them, Danny. I even brought you extra napkins, because I know that's your favorite tie to wear in court and I wouldn't want you to ruin it."

"No, you're just keeping the malasadas from me. Malasadas that you apparently bought for me. Hand them over or I won't be responsible for my actions." Danny swiped the bag out of Steve's grasp and sighed happily after his first bite of still-warm dough.

"You're the most responsible person I know, Danny. Somehow I doubt you'd do me in for a bag of fried dough." Steve brushed sugar off Danny's tie with a fond smile. "Now the coffee, on the other hand..."

"You have the right to remain silent." Steve tightened the cuffs on the smuggler he'd tackled to the ground. "Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you?"

The smuggler grunted as Steve hauled him to his feet and shook him a little before asking again, "Do you understand these rights?"

Danny managed to close his mouth, which had dropped open in shock the moment Steve had started to Mirandize the guy. "You don't want me to book him?"

All he could think as he got his phone out was thank God it was Friday and tomorrow was his birthday. He wasn't sure he could take pod-Steve following the rules for one more day.

"I think you broke him, Boss." Kono's laughter jerked Danny out of his contemplation of the perfect pizza that had mysteriously appeared on the kitchen table.

"Where did you find this?" Danny pointed to the pizza, then took a step toward Steve. "And why have you been keeping it a secret from me?"

Steve laughed and threw his hands up in surrender. "I haven't been keeping it secret for long, Danny, honest! Grace and I just found the place last week."

Danny let out an exaggerated gasp, hand to his heart as he staggered in mock surprise. "My own daughter conspired to keep this a secret from me, too?"

"It was a birthday surprise, Danno!" Grace giggled as she glomped onto his side in a flurry of ribbons and pigtails. "We've been searching for ages. They were all wrong and we didn't think we were going to find a place that did pizzas right until we talked to Ka Wika's grandma, Mrs. Kaʻaukai," she looked over at Steve to check that she'd pronounced the name right, and Steve nodded back with a smile, "at ballet practice and she said she'd heard about it from her niece who was in the Navy like Steve was and Lilia's mom said it was just like the pizza she'd had in New York, too!"

"Oh, well then, I suppose that's okay, monkey. Since it was for such a good cause." Danny dropped a kiss on the crown of her head as he hugged her back.

Chin laughed as he moved past Steve to place a large cake box on the counter. "Good thing you had Grace on your side, brah, or you'd never live this down."

"Danny would have forgiven me eventually. If nothing else, I could always just buy him more pizza, right?"

"Now you're trying to bribe an officer of the law to get out of trouble, Steven? Have you learned nothing in all this time working with me?"

"And that's our cue to find something else to do," Kono said with a grin. "Grace, wanna help with the candles?"

Grace nodded and skipped over to join Kono and Chin at the counter, chattering excitedly as she carefully put birthday candles on the cake.

Steve tried to hide a grin as he finished his beer and set the bottle aside. "Danny, it's almost time for you to make a wish. You don't even have to wish for good pizza this year, aren't you glad?"

"As if I'd ever give you up," Danny scoffed. "I have to admit, though, there were a couple of times this week I was sure you'd been replaced by a pod person, but I sincerely applaud the effort and I'm impressed with how drastically your police work has improved over the last week. So if you could keep up with the Mirandizing and waiting for backup, it would be greatly appreciated."

Steve wiggled his eyebrows and the goofy grin on his face got bigger as he moved further into Danny's space. "But you're all the backup I need, Danno."

Danny rolled his eyes, but he could feel heat on his cheeks. "A menace, I tell you," he muttered.

"Happy birthday, Danny." Steve's hands settled low on Danny's hips, drawing him closer as his goofy grin morphed into that rare smile Danny cherished the most, the one that meant Steve was completely and utterly happy.

Frankie, dear, your birthday gift reveals to me

that at heart you're really not so bad.

If I add your funny face appeals to me,

please, don't think I've suddenly gone mad.

—Ira Gershwin, "Funny Face"

For my dear Veronica, on the occasion of her natal day. Happy birthday, sunshine. *vbg*

Your Funny Face Appeals To Me

by Aithine