Did I mention that there had always been a fear of failing ? From the moment I started my BMS classes . I was tortured with fear for 18 months. So I tried to cushion the ground incase I fell…. Like my instagram bio , I deceived myself that i didn’t want my whole identity to be that I am a medical student so, it wasn’t in my bio .

Until one day that The Lord called my attention to it and afterwards, asked me to add it to my bio . I did and that was the first thing I removed after I failed….lol .

I looked up to God and asked Him why He still kept me alive .He might as well strike me down 😭.

I cut people off , so many of them .Some were necessary, others weren’t. A particular person that I used to love very deeply (as my friend ) , made the whole situation about him . If I wasn’t opening up , he’d say that it wasn’t fair and I wasn’t being a good friend .

I didn’t smile for a while . I remember someone who was checking on me asking if I had smiled the whole day and I hadn’t . I smile a lot but nothing was funny at that point .

Now , we can talk about the new classmates…

Toodlesss 🥹

So I said we can come to a compromise; I remain in medicine but I’ll transfer to a different school . I couldn’t go back to my school . The shame ? No o !

So they agreed, started processing my transfer but deep down , I knew it wasn’t going to work . I just had a knowing that I was not going to leave that school or medicine for that matter .

After hitting so many dead ends , they ( my parents) called for a meeting again . This time I was already in acceptance phase .

So I agreed and resumed school exactly 2 weeks after the results were released.This had to be one of the most painful things for me because I had plans for my break and I was also very exhausted from the whole exam.

My former classmates live on the same block as me. They all passed and were at home so my block was as good as empty . My dad cried on his way back home after dropping me that day .

And so it began….. new classmates , same courses , shame , triggers , relapse, tears …a lot of it and finally healing .

I’ll talk about these one after the other .

Toodles ✨❤️

I mentioned in the last article that I don’t crash out loudly . So by the time my friends saw the results , they started filing to my room red eyed and very slowly. So I laid on my bed and tears just ran the sides of my face . I had sent texts to three people immediately the results came out; my mentor, my now partner and an older friend.

The older friend was the first to make it to my room . It was just my roommate who doubles as my best friend, the older friend and myself . He didn’t know what to do . I was talking and just throwing clothes into my box , Kai . I said a lot of nonsense.

Fast forward to when everyone was in my room . My mentor who knew all my scores and the whole back story suggested that I leave the country or go to another school . Honestly? It was a very good idea .

My parents finally came and I told them point blank on our way back home that I was no longer interested in medicine. I wasn’t going to put myself through such torture anymore and definitely not in that …..school !

I was so emotional. I was going to break my sim , go to a new school and not post anything on social media till I graduated in a different course.

That night , my mom didn’t leave my side. And jerked up at the sound of my cry at dawn . Apparently, I had been crying in my sleep .

My dad then called and asked “what’s the way forward?”……

I’m so sorry guys , I’m still settling in from school . I’ll try to be more consistent 😭

I was a straight A secondary student , a first class 100 level student as well. This is simply to imply that books were never an issue for me . Going with the same confidence and reading patterns , I began med school .

One of the most interesting things to me then was that I failed every single incourse asides the first physiology. The rude shock ? What do you mean ? I couldn’t score up to 50 , worse why was I even scoring 28? 😭 A score smaller than my shoe size .

So of course, I asked questions , I spoke with seniors , I did active recall , I watched videos . Essentially troubleshooting. Not once did I get what the problems were. By third incourses , I called home and told them that nothing could make me write the professional exams . What was the point anyways? lol My parents insisted . I wrote the exams and failed again . For the first time since I have known myself , I crashed out very loudly. How angry I was at God! . You gave me words , I begged You , all my friends passed , how could You watch this happen to me ? Do You even love me ? What did I do to deserve this ? I asked shouting and looking up but He was by my side the whole time ………

There’s more 😂 . Tomorrow by God’s grace ✨❤️.

I’m so grateful for so much this year. I went through some really dark times this year . I cried so so much ; randomly, while scrolling in my phone , to sleep . I just cried a lot . I was so hurt …maybe I’ll talk about the reason later . But I thought I was going to lose my Faith . Because “why did He allow that to happen to me ?” But God was so patient with me .

For this reason , my gratitude will not cease . Thank you Jesus, I don’t know where I’d be without you❤️.

sha , these were my thoughts tonight . Toodles 💕

Recently, daddy (God) started impressing my consecrations on my heart . As hard as consecrations are , they make me happy . That “ouuuu I’m such a special child , I have special rules”

In consecration, what you have been instructed not to do is usually not a sin . You are just not allowed to do it because you have been set apart . The thought of it is nice but the process is very difficult . Sometimes, I want to complain or just take a day break .

Sha , these were my thoughts tonight. Toodles 💕✨

I’m hosting a meeting today and this whole week has been a rollercoaster(this is the first time I’m hosting a meeting) . Looking back now and I’m realizing that my Daddy actually sort every single thing that I was worried about out .

And then I’d feel Him smiling and saying “you worry too much “ 🥹

I know my Love , I do😭✋ . Thank You for being so patient with me ❤️