we're going places

Thu, 25 Jun 2026 13:47:33 GMT

Is Dreamwidth being weirdly slow and glitchy for anyone else? It's been an ordeal to reply or post comments the past couple of days.

Platinumed Hades and I'm glad I did because around Elysium during that run I was getting annoyed. I needed to clear one more encounter to get the Pierced Butterfly to 30% extra damage and it was NOT happening, and the small rooms in the tunnels of the Temple of Styx don't count. But thankfully the first tunnel miniboss I got I could deal with from afar, with some help from Mort.

It's taking me a little bit of time to relearn the Horizon Forbidden West controls -- I've been dashing with R2 for way too long now, I even changed it on Hades and Hades II -- and getting used to the 360 degree camera, but I'm getting there. I'm doing the main quest without too much distraction until I get the Shieldwing, so I can jump off mountains without committing suicide again. It's kinda reminiscent of my last Silksong playthrough, not going to lie -- I WILL go everywhere, but not until I have EVERY movement unlocked. In this case it's more like, every way to get through blocked passageways. Maybe a better way to breathe underwater. But mostly the Shieldwing. I wanna be able to climb up places and not have to retrace my steps to get down or risk breaking my neck.

I think I'm about to get the Shieldwing actually because I just fought Regalla's champion and he had it. No wonder I did not remember someone making it. Also I was here like, Regalla sounds JUST like Athena Grant. Her mouth moves the exact same way. Did they model the character after her? Am I being racist? Y'all, she's played by Angela Bassett. Straight up. No inspiration, she did the mo cap too. I have not lost my mind. But also: damn, for real? I warmed up to Regalla over the course of two playthroughs way back when the game first came out but now it's like, well. I don't think I can kill her this time. Because it's fucking Angela Bassett. What the fuck. (I mostly only knew her by name before I watched 911. Definitely did not connect those dots last time, and they wouldn't have made a difference.)

We're down to a high of 31C today so I'm taking the chance to stock up on groceries. I did the time-sensitive run already (my Caesar salad kits) and will probably wait until 8+ PM to go outside again though. 28C is hotter now than back before the temperatures went up to 40C.

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Mon, 22 Jun 2026 17:00:34 GMT

OKAY SO. It's 38C and going out to get groceries is torture.

I made a list of things to post about.

1. Heated Rivalry! I watched it last month. I really enjoyed it! Imma be honest: not as porny as I thought it was gonna be. Tumblr put all the porn on my dash. Literally left nothing. But I enjoyed it a lot. I had a hockey RPF reading phase way after most people got into that -- especially because the pairing I read the most was Sid/Geno, but more importantly, the person I was into was Sidney Crosby, so Shane Hollander is just tailor-made for me. Now I get to read all the fic. Recs welcome! I love social media fic but it does kinda take over AO3 search.

2. Project Hail Mary. I watched it last WEEK. I'm not a sci-fi person in any way, but something about Rocky and knowing how it ended really called out to me, and I finally lay down and watched it last Wednesday. I LOVED it. To bits. I cannot tell you how much. No fannishness about it, but it was so good even my sister agrees it was a good recommendation from me. Which is unheard of, practically.

3. I'm still replaying the first Hades -- to be honest I'm at a point where I could just stop and move on (to a second -- or third, I think I did NG+ -- Horizon: Forbidden West playthrough, but with the DLC this time) but I'm still eying the platinum trophy. Not sure if I got it on PS4 but it doesn't seem...that hard? It's not asking for the third Skelly statue or anything. This game is way harder than Hades II, I am fully confident in stating this. Sure, I got out of the underworld on the 12th attempt this time, but I've managed the 5 minute per Region heat ONCE. All my recent deaths are from running out of time.

Wow I did platinum it back in 2022. Nuts. I was determined I guess.

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confessional poetry, I guess? you can guess what it's about, it's not subtle

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 15:08:40 GMT

I Know You're Lying, Please Stop

We've been here before
but I was you and I was twelve
and I didn't know better and you expected me to
figure it out, on my own, no Internet those days, no particular
instinct for what people do. You'd scream
like the world had collapsed and if I did the same thing
-- spill some milk, drop a glass -- my arms would bear
the shape of your angry fingers come morning.

Now there's nothing
I can say, or do, or plead, or cry through my panic,
to give you a glimpse into that old perspective,
to make you remember what I've told you a million times.
Again.

I lay my spoons where they fit, and scoop around my crowded memories.
I push around the resentment on my plate,
and you lie to me.

I know it's an illness. I have some of my own.

You never understood, even when you tried to. You accept now, but you weren't kind.
More than not, you were cruel. I've spared you that treatment. I wish it weren't
a thing I'm aware I'm doing, but the trash can is full
and I can't throw the frustration away.

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piecemeal updates because I will never post if I wait until I have a whole one: videogames!

Sun, 07 Jun 2026 13:58:22 GMT

Wrapped up Hades 2 -- not sure if they'll add more stuff or when, but I got every piece of decor, every rank, and every familiar form (which I initially forgot about; I booted up Hades, did a couple runs and then went back). I had a great time and it really made me feel like I've gotten significantly better at videogames since 2020. Hades is also making me feel that way, considering I got out of the underworld on attempt #12 and last time it took me like... 100? Possibly? It does still feel slightly harder than Hades 2, especially the lava and the hands and the poison, and I just don't enjoy the last two boss fights that much, but then again I didn't enjoy Prometheus much in Hades 2, either, and Cerberus was easy but kind of boring. I love the bone hydra and the Furies, though. Scylla and the Sirens were by far my favorite boss fight in Hades 2, and not just because the songs are bangers and I more than once got to use the thing where you resurrect the last foe you killed to fight against the rest. Breaking up the band indeed.

Currently calmly making my way through Hades. I haven't unlocked all the secret aspects of the weapons yet, and I have a long way to go with the social stuff, I think. I'm also unlikely to let go before I fulfill all the prophecies. Or discover all the fish. Where the hell are all the fish? Persephone is down in Hell and has been for a while, and I have nowhere near enough of anything to get all the Stygian mirror abilities or decorations. Not sure how far I'll get in that regard, but I'm not stopping yet.

The Burning Shores DLC was on sale -- and so is everything else I want, but all the big games are still ridiculously expensive even then -- so I will probably replay Horizon: Forbidden West when I decide I'm done with Hades.

Feel free to ask for like, Hades/2 top 5s, I would love an excuse to rank so much of this shit lmao.

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Sat, 09 May 2026 13:47:06 GMT

This week has been exhausting. Not because of anything active, but because of the way I've woken up every day. If it wasn't Ciri yowling, it was my sister talking loudly in the hallway at 10 am (which she'd give me hell for) and today it was Gorgug dry heaving on the floor. I almost went back to sleep yesterday, and today I did actually curl back up under the covers, though I never dozed again. I've been doing the bare minimum, which in fairness is more than my bare minimum was months ago, let alone years ago, but I would like to vacuum and mop my room, and I would like to have the strength to make coffee every day instead of resorting to energy drinks.

I've had zero games because the one consistent one, our DM is currently traveling, and I'm glad it's worked out this way, because the last time this happened I had to cancel on them, and I pride myself on being extremely reliable in this one aspect of my life.

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Edit: I'd been meaning to look up how you're supposed to drink soju, because I could not remember the one time I had it at a Korean BBQ restaurant (in Prague), and it turns out I've been using the right glass this whole time, purely by accident, because I found it on the dryer rack two weeks ago and was like, what the fuck, who used my shot glass (that I have never used myself nor seen in four years)? Turns out my mom used it to try to sprout a lettuce? I've also been sticking to (kind of) drinking with friends, because it's a fantastic boost for ttrpgs with no negative side effects because it's so little. I'm pretty happy with this whole thing. (I do not "shoot the first glass." I sip from one (1) glass and then move on to kombucha or an energy drink. Because sobriety is important to me.)

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Anyway, other than that, Hades 2 has eaten my life. It came out for PS5 at some point late last month, and I got it on April 27, because a friend gave me the money and because it's one of those indie games that's not eighty (80) whole ass bucks for years before it goes on sale. I was very overwhelmed at first, but learned quickly, and three days in, I put it on God Mode for no good reason and I've been coasting since. ( Rambling. )

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Fri, 01 May 2026 15:34:41 GMT

thefridayfive:

• 1. Do you like to spend time outdoors?

Ish. I like to go for walks when it's nice out, but I'm not a huge fan of staying outdoors while not doing anything -- ie I prefer to sit indoors at any cafe/restaurant (no cig smoke), I have no interest in camping, and I've never gone hiking or spent much time in natural places, partly by choice and partly because my transportation options are limited -- I think the most 'outdoors' I've been is Sintra near Lisbon, and the grottos in the south of Portugal. I'm not a good navigator. I'd love to be able to go into forests and whatnot but it'd have to be with a friend I trusted (and my camera).

• 2. What is your favorite flower?

Peonies, I think? I'm not sure I really have one, but yeah, I like peonies and poppies. I like seeing the roses bloom in the few places they're planted in my city.

• 3. Any favorite warm weather activities?

I mean, in an ideal world, spending time near the ocean is the main one. Alas I live in the middle of Spain, nowhere near the sea. Every time I travel I'm like, okay, how do I end up on a beach in these circumstances. Sometimes being near the ocean is just magical, to me, like every step I take toward the coast is a sandbag off my back and I might suddenly float off the ground if I'm not careful.

Realistically? Photo walks.

• 4. Have you ever kept a garden? If so, what did you grow?

No. I'm not necessarily uninterested, but with the cats and living with my family, I just don't even want to try. We have a patio we could use for at least potted plants but the ones my mom had are all dead and the flower beds they set up at one point are 80% cat poop. I do want to empty them at some point but it is a lot of work. And even then I don't know if I'd try to grow anything because I'd feel judged. But I'd love to have a herb garden.

• 5. Do you know how to swim?

I do not and have nearly drowned twice.

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so I started yapping and this got long

Wed, 22 Apr 2026 12:39:51 GMT

Nightmares upon nightmares again, and earlier than usual. When I dragged myself out of sleep, it wasn't even 11 AM. Not crazy about this. I had some Monster before I showered -- I also made my mom shower before I showered -- and Gorgug did curl up under the sheets with me, briefly. Poor thing was extremely confused because yesterday I changed my sheets and folded up my winter blanket (left around just in case, I'm not that optimistic), and then slept with a smaller blanket and ended up kicking it off anyway.

My sister's been hogging the washing machine since Saturday and it seems like it may or may not rain this or that day over the next few days, so I probably need to steel myself for doing a quick load when she leaves later, so I'm sure to have clothes to wear (that I like and are comfortable... if you looked at my closet you'd be like, what the fuck, but unfortunately my cold/cool weather rota does not encompass even half of that, and it is still cool enough indoors for long sleeves) on Saturday. If I can, I'd also like to start individually washing that winter blanket, the charcoal gray blanket I'm currently using, my green winter coat, and my house shoes. Either pair. Though I may throw the one I haven't been wearing in the trash at this point, god knows how many times Ciri's peed on them by now.

Ciri was in heat last week and I was exhausted the whole time, to the point that I felt drunk when I went to the store Saturday morning. It was kind of funny because my mom had been hypocritically side-eying my picking up 5% abv cocktails in a can the day before, but also: not pleasant. I'm slowly recovering from that, but the nightmares aren't helping. Neither are the bouts of depression.

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I've been experimenting with extremely low-grade alcohol for a couple of weeks -- and by low I mean "I don't think this counts as breaking sobriety," because the tipsiest I've felt has been 'unexpectedly happy,' twice -- to see how my body takes to it now it's been off it for three years, and also so I could try a drink I saw at Primaprix that looked right up my alley except for the 5% abv. It was delicious. They no longer stock it, of course. ( More chatter about this. )

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Three episodes behind on The Pitt, caught up on 9-1-1 (Buck ;__;) and decided to finish 9-1-1 Lone Star for some reason. I have two episodes left and I assume they're gonna make me cry again so I've been putting it off a bit. This show is a telenovela. For all the NDEs in 9-1-1, at least you can kind of assume things will turn out okay, with one glaring exception. Season 4 of Lone Star was just melodramatic hit after hit, and Judd has been depressing in season 5. Carlos, too, to some extent. I do still really love Nancy and Marjan though. And TK and Carlos's relationship. And Paul. ( Ramble/rant, with spoilers. )

Anyway. I am trying to convince my brain mice to let me do things. I just wanna make maps and edit pictures and the mice are like, "what's that? We don't know how to open an editor suddenly." I'm halfway through Trespasser on Dragon Age: Inquisition, where I am missing most of the trophies for some reason? I'm pretty sure I did the DLC last time, but who knows. It was 2020. I accidentally locked myself out of a bunch of companion quests, but I'm just not putting myself through this game again. It would be so goddamn replayable if combat wasn't so tedious. I have it on easy! It should not take this long to defeat a bunch of bandits! At this point if they had an accessibility 'one-shot enemies' option I would take it. Goddamn. Let me shoot them in the head. Let me shoot them dead in the head, specifically. At least Veilguard let me aim.

I'm very pleased I made a guy and experienced the Dorian romance, though. He is just delightful.

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escapril 2026: #4 flesh

Mon, 06 Apr 2026 13:45:43 GMT

Every year when spring comes I feel more sun-starved,
touch-starved, warmth-starved, petrified in my bones.
I go out and lift my face to the sunlight, sunshine, and
just for a moment, I feel it: the relief of still being here,
the joy of having a body
that needs, a mind that tethers
itself to whatever love it encounters. I walk
with my eyes closed, or squinting, arms by my sides, and
I feel my hands, bare to the sunrays, present again,
safe,
and alive,
for the first time
since October.

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escapril 2026: #5 dandelion

Sun, 05 Apr 2026 13:10:51 GMT

I borrowed a prompt list from leanwellback and yarnofariadne and I don't know how much of it I'll get through, but today's actually produced something? I haven't written a poem in forever, but I sometimes think up some lines, get in the shower, sit down and can't be bothered to type them in. This time I did. Growth! Or something.

#5 dandelion

these ephemeral things
we were taught to wish on: the
flash of light, the flickering fire, the
keratin, metaphorical enamel -- each hope
a snuffler, the smoke
folding into the fabric we breathe in.
It's in the last exhale that their aim is clear:
to come back in a year, ready
to scatter.

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Chyrium was not sending mixed signals, the game just won't let her fuck everyone

Sat, 28 Mar 2026 15:55:23 GMT

Okay, Dragon Age: The Veilguard was VERY fun. The combat wasn't tedious at all from the very start, which I was pleasantly surprised by because I remembered (and have since rediscovered) Inquisition having the most tedious combat mechanics I have ever played with, and I'm including Bloodborne in that. Handling two party members instead of the three with the ability wheel was awesome, too. LOVED the combos, loved that I could charge my shots, loved a lot of things.

In my first playthrough, I played a they/them qunari rogue and romanced Davrin; I decided on this before even meeting him when a guide to romancing the characters I skimmed online said something like 'he'd be happy to be your prey,' and I looked at him, and I looked at that sentence, and I looked at my qunari rogue, and I looked into his eyes again, and I thought, I am going to destroy you, and it's going to be delicious. Obviously this doesn't happen in-game, not really, but I want everyone to know what my initial rationale was.

( More on the game, spoilers for all of Veilguard and a bit of Inquisition. )

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a little meme

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 14:14:02 GMT

Nabbed from out_there -- I liked this set of questions, so I decided to break my self-imposed moratorium on this kind of meme and answer them.

50 This or Thats

1. Bagels or donuts?
Bagels. There is something about the specific taste of donuts that really bothers me for some reason.

2. Bar soap or body wash?
Body wash. Soap is way harder to use in the shower and then you end up with a tiny sliver and it's just weird.

3. Being afraid or being embarrassed?
Embarrassed could lead to a panic attack, and it's awful and sometimes you keep going over it years after the fact, but like. Afraid is way worse.

4. Big bash or intimate gathering?
Intimate gathering. I hate crowds.

( cut for space )

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Tue, 10 Mar 2026 17:24:36 GMT

I finished my first playthrough of Dragon Age: The Veilguard and I enjoyed it a LOT. I want to make a proper post about it, but I do not have the energy right now, so you get my thoughts on TV instead.

( The Pitt, spoilers up to the last episode to be safe. )

I watched the last two episodes of 9-1-1 and the Nashville crossover and all I really want to say -- because I mostly enjoy the show for what it is, and I hate spec -- is that I hope that's all the second-hand embarrassment they make me put up with this season. They were fun episodes, but I had to distract myself through some scenes. Also, I cannot believe the Nashville set-up is... that. Every time they cut to the two mothers of Chris O'Donnell's children, I cringed so bad. If they were going to do something interesting, like have them forget him (I've only known him for one episode and if anything happened to him, I would cheer, oh my god, he sucks? He sucks worse than Owen!) for each other, sure. But this shit is the most trite, misogynistic trope and I feel like every time they make a new 9-1-1, they just go backwards.

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I've got my reasons to complain

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 16:26:39 GMT

I woke up enjoying the sunshine, and then my mom told me not to use up too much hot water and I like, inwardly spiraled? I'm still recovering from the irritability/frustration/sadness. I put music on largely to make myself cry, which worked when combined with me avoiding isolation by telling people how I was feeling. But the music is still on and I'm on my laptop and that's kind of a red flag for how I'm feeling at any point in time to be honest. I don't usually listen to music. I'm trying to do it more, because I used to at least shower with music until my sister, many years ago, decided I couldn't do that anymore, but I still only tend to listen while I update my planner.

I... took two hours to do things just with notebooks. And then I got on my laptop and I still haven't turned it off. I'm touch-starved, I've known for a long time, but I think I am also appreciation-starved. It rears its ugly head when I decide to speak back to my sister and my sister takes it poorly and starts insulting me. I don't know. I wanna be told I'm pretty. I wanna be told I'm funny, and that I did a cool thing in a game if I did one, and that I'm good at, I don't know, whatever anyone sees me being good at, other than persevering.

Anyway. Haven't seen last week's The Pitt yet, but I have been playing Dragon Age: Veilguard like my life depends on it. I'm just really into it and it's taken over my brain a little bit. I'm trying to enjoy it instead of feel guilty for the stuff I'm not doing. I'm keeping up with chores and talking to people, so it's not that bad.

( Veilguard babble. )

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Thu, 12 Feb 2026 16:06:30 GMT

As of today, and since this weekend, I am caught up on two whole currently airing shows -- 9-1-1 and The Pitt -- and I can't begin to describe what a big deal this is to me. I don't think this has happened at all in the past decade, possibly since 2013. I've always had this... wall keeping me from watching things as they aired, like I was scared of what would happen and wanted spoilers first, but then I wouldn't go back and watch anyway? See: Stranger Things, of which the last episode I saw was 4.07.

The thing is, I would always choose things that I knew wouldn't make feel any feelings at all. I've watched so many Blood on the Clocktower streams. I still do, because it's fun! But the fact that I was able to catch up on 9-1-1 specifically is like, wow, did I make a new neural pathway? Am I really capable of overcoming the restrictions my brain saddles me with? Holy shit.

Anyway, they've both been fun. Hopefully they continue to be fun, and I can ignore spec nonsense on tumblr before it ruins my enjoyment.

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with spoons enough to ramble, I guess, at the very least

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 16:42:51 GMT

I can't remember if it was January 26 or 27, but either way, I'm three years sober? I can't believe I've been on bupropion for three years, is the weirder part. I've been playing ttrpgs for that long! Wild.

My Pathfinder 2e adventure path actually ended (ish) this week -- we beat the BBEG of Age of Ashes in a really tough fight that didn't draw out as much as I expected, but I definitely threw everything I had at it, hero points, focus points, high level spell slots, expensive potions (to fly over the acid pool), the one single-target nonspecified damage spell I learned ages ago for no particular reason and never used because Kauri is a druid and leans elemental (Disintegrate), just. Everything. And I got the killing blow with a Pulverizing Cascade, which was really cool because it's the one water spell Kauri has continued to use even once we hit the level where we get 6th rank spells and I stopped using Hydraulic Push and Crashing Wave so often. Even after that, I flavored all my cold spells as drawing moisture from the air, so it's been a whole thing and it's nicely thematic. We'll see what we need to wrap up beyond that this Friday, but we handled pretty much everything else beforehand, so I will be making a character (or two?) for Season of Ghosts soon. I'll miss my baby though.

Fantasy High (the campaign I'm in, not the D20 series) also wrapped up its freshman year quest this past weekend, in session 50 just to be extra satisfying. We went to hell! And then to Annwn. I'm excited to see what yarnofariadne does for our next quest, and what she continues to do with the Celtic mythology theme I dropped on her, if anything.

*

As far as my personal life, I'm... okay? Low on money, like my mom is gonna have to actually ask her sister or I'm gonna have to ask online for help with the electric bill low, but what else is new. I finally found the missing package from Springfield today; ( the ordeal )

*

Anyway. I'm gonna go back to my DungeonFog tutorials. I was hoping to make a little battlemap for the last session of my Friday group's Christmas Adventure, not sure if I'll manage that, but at least I'm getting through the tutorials. Don't think I've ever approached a thing this way but hopefully it will help with the feeling of 'oh god what do I do with this interface,' even if I picked the map maker that felt closer to what I'm used to. It certainly feels like the Correct Thing to do, like reading the manual before you fuck with stuff. But I have always been too impatient.

Have also been doing jigsaw puzzles and I sorted my sister's Arkham Horror puzzle last night, so I can fall back on that if the spoons really are gone. I try not to get started on the jigsaw puzzles before 8 PM because I'm very bad at stopping. I finished my previous one at 12:30 AM on Sunday with Ciri rolling over it and not letting me see the empty slots I had left. It was a fun extra challenge. I really love that puzzle to pieces, though. I'm very frustrated that I can't figure who got me it, but it was on my wishlist Christmas 2024 and I spent all of 2025 stuck on that one lady with the horse (really stuck on puzzling at all, I enjoyed the puzzle once I got started).

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Puzzling has allowed me to watch The Pitt as it's airing so far (unsure on new doctor, love Mel to pieces, love the new nurse, love Mohan always and forever) and almost catch up on 9-1-1 -- I'm up to the second episode of S9. Honestly, puzzling while watching some of those S8 episodes made it more bearable, and then I locked in to enjoy Seismic Shifts because I do love me a good fictional disaster. I need to post some Buck/Eddie recs for spikedluv at some point, I said I would for holiday_wishes and I've got a few but I want to list a couple more.

(As an aside... when did we embrace the portmanteaus, and why? It feels so wrong to use them. So fucking wrong. But they're so widespread that it also feels weird to use the normal slash form for pairings! What IS up with that, god.)

*

Oh, I posted some photos of my planner decor~ journalsandplanners here if anyone is interested! Still figuring out the day-a-page format. This page is my favorite so far, and I've gone through like, all my pens and markers to figure out what works for headings like that and doesn't bleed like a motherfucker. (There are some markers that are the perfect color but holy shit you can see them through TWO whole pages. And they're decent paper!)

Anyway. Happy Thursday! Hope things are going well for all y'all. <3

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Wed, 21 Jan 2026 16:27:42 GMT

I'm happy to do more top 10s in this post, especially if they have to do with TTRPGs tbh, I forgot I love listing D&D things.

These past few days have been really stressful due to a combination of my sister hogging the washing machine, lack of money, PMS, and yet another delivery that was marked as received when it wasn't, which meant I had to call the store I ordered from yesterday to see if they can do something about that. I would have done it sooner but my brain was not cooperating in the slightest.

Today is -- extremely weird, to be honest, but I did get good news in the form of my mom's request for financial aid being approved and a date for when she'll get the first payment, which is a huge weight off my chest. We just need to survive until March 1, which is... fine? Probably? (Any help is extremely appreciated.)

But holy shit my brain is so confused, y'all. I do not get it. I don't get anything is how confused I am. Who am I. What do I do with my life. I have lists! I have Finch! I have a planner! I have a Trello with multiple possibilities of things to do! I have a page on my planner for stuff I want to watch/read/try! What is wrong with me. (It's my brain recalibrating, I assume. I've had to push down so much anxiety I've had nightmares every fucking day since last Monday. I don't not get it, logically. But feeling it is disconcerting.)

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wistful sigh

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 16:10:25 GMT

I've been meaning to post all month, but Snowflake didn't appeal to me all that much, plus there's a lot of history there for me, even if I wasn't directly involved with the drama.

However, one thing I will be taking from Snowflake is the top 10 lists, outsourced. Ask me for any and I'll answer in the comments!

I am also going to make a little wishlist, much smaller than the one for Christmas. This is stuff that would make me happy:

Jigsaw puzzles
PS5 gift cards
Subscriptions to my ko-fi, which I'm planning to turn into a place to share all my TTRPG card, homebrew, merch and map designs
4. Art of my PCs from the TTRPG campaigns I play in

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It's been a pretty stressful month, money-wise. We've managed, but it is what it is. Doesn't help that it's cold and that I'm the only person in this house who's capable of not taking things out on other people. I've been doing jigsaw puzzles and deleting photos from my backlog and trying to figure out a permanent set-up for my day-a-page planner, which I keep meaning to post about to journalsandplanners. I took pics and everything.

One upside that's been keeping me sane is the soft light my friend Nate got me, which I use to get selfies even when it's too dark because winter. It helps my self-esteem a lot, even if I'm more aware of the way my skin keeps breaking out. I figure most of that is coming from the same place as the daily nightmares.

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four things make a post?

Sun, 21 Dec 2025 16:45:05 GMT

So I finished Silksong, and then I finished it again because I'd somehow missed a spool fragment and wanted 100% completion, and then I finished my second playthrough but with the Act II ending, and then I cursed myself and tried to beat Grandmother Silk twice and started a third playthrough, this time on the PS5 version of the game so I could get all the trophies again. I'm up to Act III with Silk Soar like 25 hours in, which is impressive, and banging my head against the Skarrsinger fight again, which is not.

The financial situation continues to be not ideal, but maybe it will improve soon? I'm also trying to get some things going -- a pixieset shop for my prints, and I want to make some battlemaps and put them up on ko-fi maybe along with those ttrpg cards I wanted to design this summer but never did. I'm doing a little better in general, in the getting things done department. Not great by any means, but better.

The puzzle I mentioned last post is taking some kind of shape, or at least some of the pieces are (the shape is a horse and a rider). I'll go get some big sheets of cardstock tomorrow so I can keep the puzzle on my old desk instead of on small sheets of cardstock where it doesn't fit.

The vertical drying rack is a lifesaver, tbh. It rained on my clothes outside last week and they were so drenched it took them five days to go back to just damp in places. This last load laundry I divided between the rack and the outdoor clothesline, and it's rained on them again. I think I might do a tiny laundry load tomorrow and then toss the outside clothes in there for a spin cycle or twenty and hang them indoors as well. I'm honestly surprised by how quickly they dry in my room, but absolutely not complaining.

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love meme time!

Sun, 30 Nov 2025 16:27:02 GMT

I'm slowly making my way through the meme leaving comments. It's helping me feel better after the last fight my sister and my mom had (though this one was milder than yesterday's at least, and I was able to deescalate it a bit, which is rare).

✨ holiday love meme 2025 ✨
my thread here

Just finished sorting the puzzle pieces of a puzzle I started sorting the pieces of uh, a year ago? Maybe longer? They've been in various boxes and those boxes' lids taking up one of the drawers in my old desk, where I kind of want to put my coffee stuff since I keep my espresso machine on that desk now, so I wanted to reorganize things a bit. I reorganized my sewing stuff already. I'd originally got a cloth organizer that I didn't realize was divided by flimsy mesh, so that wasn't really great for holding, say, thread spools and zippers. I put it on one of the shelves of my new ("new" as in, not as old, not new-new, I got it for my birthday two years ago now, whereas my other desk is almost as old as I am) desk though, and so far it's where all the manuals are going. Might put some more books I want to have on hand there, so they don't take up as much space elsewhere? Could be good for fabric while it's in use too.

The new microphone someone (I don't know if they want to be thanked by name) got me for my birthday is working wonderfully and also makes me feel really cool tbh. And the cats have no interest in it at all! Probably helps that it can be kept vertical but yeah, they haven't even gone for a sniff. I'm so relieved. The portable sewing machine I still need to make sure works -- think I'm gonna try to make a sweater for Ciri to get the hang of it, because she's always shivering but hates going under the covers with me, and I need to learn basically everything about how to use a sewing machine. See, I do have access to a proper one that's as old as I am and cost actual money, but that thing is a behemoth, and, because it belongs to my mom, my brain insists that I ask her how to use it. My mom sucks at teaching, and I absorbed nothing when she showed me how to thread it, so I'm kinda starting from scratch.

Also on the learning docket, how to use these LED soft light things my friend got me so I can take selfies in the depressing dark of winter, and map-making.

Financial stuff is, bad, whatever, I'm not gonna talk about it. I'm aware of it but I try not to wallow. And not to feel guilty about having bought the PS5 after all with limited leftover emergency fund. It will be good for my mental health and I got the cheapest version while on sale, like, I made the best decision possible within the circumstances. It gets here on Tuesday, at which point I guess I'll find out if they'll let me transfer any games over from my PS4 for free or cheap, because I am not in a place to buy games right now.

What else... Oh, I have a holiday_wishes list over here. I have a couple of wishes I'm working on fulfilling for other people, though I've fallen behind on reading the posts and need to catch up. I'm not crossing out the PS5 wish because the point was "I need my emergency fund to not disappear from this" and that still applies.

Can't believe it's December tomorrow. Hopefully I can get some motivation out of the year ending like I do every other year.

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Wed, 19 Nov 2025 18:26:29 GMT

I didn't make a post about it here because I'd already been whining about it everywhere else, but last week on Monday, I got a package I'd ordered -- torn and empty. Just a torn, empty envelope that the delivery guy was like, shrug about and ran off without even telling me what I could do about it. So I went to the physical store and they said they couldn't do anything about online orders, and then called the delivery company and they opened a case, then they closed that case on Tuesday. I had to call the online store then and in fairness, everyone was nice about it, but as the days passed I got more and more frustrated, and I basically lost the entire week to paralyzing anxiety (compounded by my mom suddenly pointing out that she was for real running out of money, despite having asked her a million times to keep me updated precisely so it wouldn't shock me into paralyzing anxiety). Even emailing to ask for updates only got me an automated message.

Since it still wasn't resolved this Monday, I called again, and at least I got actual information out of the person who responded -- they'd been waiting (allegedly, but I believe it) for the delivery company to get back to them about their search for the items I ordered, and the delivery company was taking its sweet goddamn time. Apparently they HAD received my emails and tried to fast-track it for my sake, and I finally got a bit of a timeline -- that if the delivery company didn't find the stuff in 48 hours, they'd process a refund. I did not think the delivery company would find the stuff, to be honest, because it looked far more like "someone ripped this open and stole the contents" than "the paper caught on something and ripped and everything fell out." But okay.

So finally today I got a resolution and I should be getting the money back in the account I paid from (my Wise.com account, which I mostly got just so a specific friend of mine can send me money, because for some bullshit US/Canada sync reason they couldn't keep doing it through Paypal) soon, I hope. The upside is they still seem to have the one item I was afraid I wouldn't be able to order again, and also it's on sale now. So I may end up saving money.

I'm still boggled about a delivery driver just giving somebody an empty package, like what kind of policy has to be in place for that to happen? That's fucking weird. But at least I no longer need to be worrying about it.

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36

Sat, 08 Nov 2025 21:57:52 GMT

I had a pretty okay birthday today! It started out -- well, fine, despite having to shower with my floor lamp because the bathroom switch gave up on us on Wednesday and it's not been fixed yet (supposedly my uncle called somebody to come check it out soon) and also being just, incredibly fucking tired. Then I got kind of sad because my mom and my sister had a sort of fight (as much as you can have a fight through a closed door from bed, where my sister stayed until 8 PM -- she went to sleep sometime this morning so not super surprised about that) and ended up finishing my coffee and lying down with the cats (finishing a coffee and then trying to sleep are not compatible, I don't know why I even try). Who were very warm and good, and people were also warm and good, and when I got up to run some errands I was feeling better enough to buy myself a nice slice of toffee cake.

Got back and had a nice game of Age of Ashes with two wonderful friends of mine, and my sister got up and went off to have dinner at a buffet in the outskirts of town (I would invite myself to these things but I don't want to spend time with her boyfriend without an escape hatch), buuut she gave me the silly thing she ordered for me a couple of weeks ago, which turned out to be this adorable Hollow Knight controller holder? That's a thing I guess? I asked her if it absorbed vibrations and she was so confused, which confused me, because she said she'd checked it with hers? Does she have haptics turned off? Anyway. It's adorable.

I also got some really lovely gifts from friends (a microphone and a portable sewing machine and some clothes and the first Murdle book), which just makes me very happy, even if it sounds materialistic or whatever. I like material...s. Hopefully I can still buy myself a PS5 on Black Friday without triggering my own anxiety over spending what I consider my emergency fund. Seems like a solid maybe. I really need to figure out some goddamn work but in the meantime I still want to be happy and enjoy things, even if it makes me feel like an asshole sometimes to just ask for them.

No special meal today, but my mom is roasting a chicken tomorrow, which is super basic but also rare around here lately, so I'm looking forward to that!

I guess I'm 36 now, which means closer to 40 than 30? But honestly, I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have, and I would not go back in time if you paid me (unless I could come back soon enough, y'all know it's hard for me to say no to money). My situation may be what it is, and my age makes it look worse on paper, but I've never been afraid of growing up, and I also kinda feel like an adult finally? When did that even happen. My mental health is infinitely better, I regularly interact with people even if it's for games, I think my friends genuinely like me, I almost never have panic attacks, I don't live with a constant knot of stress in my stomach, it's just better.

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I am alive

Thu, 30 Oct 2025 15:39:08 GMT

I've been playing Silksong since about a week after it came out, when I realized it was out for PS4 AND reasonably priced. I'm in Act 3 and have slowed down considerably because there's just... not that much left to do. ( Spoilers probably? )

There are still games on my PS4 that I haven't played, but nothing I'm truly excited about, and I'm trying to convince myself that it's not a horrible idea to buy a PS5 for my birthday on Black Friday (birthday is Nov 8) given our current situation. I don't want to like, find myself with no emergency fund, so I did make a wishlist and I'd really love any donations towards the PS5, since I don't actually expect anyone to get me the whole thing. My Paypal is battlesinthemorning@gmail.com.

If I don't end up buying the PS5 it'll go to bills, it's not like I'm gonna fuck around with it. I felt bad enough yesterday when I bought a 24 eur vertical clotheshorse so I have somewhere indoors to hang clothes during the winter when it's raining, since the dryer gave out last spring and no one ever fixed it. And I have already gotten use out of it.

I'm behind on literally everything and the SAD is hitting HARD. Doesn't help that I'm on my period too. My sister has been nicer to me recently but she was also screaming at my mom earlier so that's not helping either. I just want to be able to do something to make money, literally tackle any of my stupid ideas (TTRPG card design, dice bags) and see if they get any traction but the momentum is dead and buried.

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Tue, 08 Jul 2025 13:47:37 GMT

Does anybody need someone to copy-edit/proofread a blog post or article or TTRPG notes or something? I'll do like 1k for, I don't know, 10 bucks? I have a really hard time making shit up for portfolio reasons and setting up a Fiverr gig requires samples of your work. Gross.

I'm probably not even going to use that, because I'm pretty sure I can offer that sort of work on Ko-Fi and I hate the shit out of content mills, but all the same.

Today's D20 list (where I write down twenty things and then roll a d20 to see what I do next) is mostly research; so far I've compiled a few examples of printable item and spell cards for D&D, done the above, and found out the reason Inprnt wouldn't accept my files is that I've been saving JPGs in Apple's Display P3 color profile. I thought they weren't big enough, which is probably ridiculous, I have a fucking Canon DSLR.

I don't think I talked about this here, but back in May my mom stopped receiving her minimal basic income, so we're surviving on kindness and savings, and there's not that much in savings. If anyone wants to help out, my Paypal account is battlesinthemorning@gmail.com. Literally every bit helps. But I am also trying to do actual work without driving myself up the wall. It's hard because every time my mom asks my sister for money*, my mental health takes five steps back, but I'm trying.

* ( venting )

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three things make a post?

Thu, 03 Jul 2025 12:34:55 GMT

Betrayed by fandom osmosis: I thought all the episodes of the last series of Taskmaster were out. Imagine my disappointment when I went looking for episode 10 and realized episode 9 had a timestamp of 5 days ago.

I started watching season 3 of the Australian version, but I kind of don't like anyone in the line-up. Maybe if I give it some time.

*

I haven't seen the last two episodes yet, but I am greatly enjoying Cloudward, Ho on Dropout.

*

Seven months after I stopped playing with my Sunday group (and roughly three after they moved to 7 PM EST and I was fully freed from thinking about rejoining them), I've come to realize how much I dreaded that game, felt judged for my choices, and did not trust the DM with a character I was deeply invested in. I still struggle with my ADHD and general social faux pas (plural) and have moments where I beat myself up or wanna crawl into a hole because I feel I was super annoying/took over too much, but I trust my DMs, I have fun, I look forward to every session. It's much freer.

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Thu, 30 Jan 2025 15:12:23 GMT

Let’s try an end-of-month to-do list.

I wanted to:

1. preclean the espresso machine
. ✔️ buy a 3m extension cord first?

✔️ mend the rip in the side of one of my t-shirts (nowhere near as complicated as the strap situation with my red dress that I've yet to fix)

3. catch up on backwardsyear
. check external for anything I've already edited so I don't end up doing it twice if it didn't get lost for good
. edit enough photos for like... 12 posts. so just 12 photos technically but I tend to post more
. write the damn captions, I hate writing alt text so much, y'all

✔️ look into pinksky.app for the above? -- not sure how to access my side account backwardsyear but whatever

✔️ inventory my new markers on the notebook where I'm doing that

6. get any ending in Hollow Knight
. go down to the Abyss for the void heart
. go back to the temple for the HK/Radiance I guess?

7. roast gyoza & cabbage so I can hopefully have it for lunch a couple of times if I manage to get up at a decent time

✔️ post here! even if it's just. this.

I also need to iron both yesterday's laundry and the sheets I put on my bed, because I ran them through the dryer last time and they are wrinkly as hell, but that's not an end-of-anything thing, that's just regular laundry. ✔️

The hardest part by far of all of this is the photography stuff tbh because if I fall any more behind I'm gonna for real lose momentum and quit.

My planner is working out wonderfully but it's not suddenly made me a Perfectly Functional Human Being, obviously. I'm trying though.

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