it comes in pints?

Bitch

Fucking unbelievable. I want this bitch flogged, and not just for offending my libertarian sensibilities. I would wish a vile, horrible, painful death on her, but that would be wrong. Or so I hear.

Custody bill is lawmaker's pet issue
JASON STEIN
608-252-6129
jstein@madison.com

A Wisconsin legislator wants state law to govern how divorced couples handle custody disputes -- over their pets.

The proposal by Rep. Sheryl Albers, R-Reedsburg, is being co-sponsored by only one other lawmaker. After sniffing around the bill's provisions, several local divorce attorneys were trying to decide whether to growl or wag their tails.

[...]

Albers hasn't said much about why she introduced the bill, but members of a McFarland family said that Albers has personal reasons -- a messy divorce that involved Albers' husband and a Labrador retriever mix named Sammi. Albers also pushed another bill related to that divorce.

[...]

In 2003, Symons and Anders divorce was finalized. The divorce included wrangling over who would have to care for and pay for their dog Sammi, short for Samantha. The dispute arose, she said, because neither she nor Anders, who married Albers this year, wanted the aging dog, but their three children did. Sammi died in February at 16.

[...]

As part of the divorce, Dane County Circuit Judge Sarah O'Brien ordered that Sammi go with the children as they split time between Symons' and Anders' residences, court records show. Albers wasn't happy with the judge's decision and told the children she didn't like the long, messy hair shed by the dog, Symons and her daughter, Megan Anders, said.

In a statement, Albers responded, "Individuals who are parental alienators or engage in controlling behavior of spouses or children sometimes use family pets to exercise control. That is inappropriate."

Wow

I guess they took our complaints seriously.

China's corrupt former food and drug chief executed
by Dan Martin

BEIJING (AFP) - China executed the former chief of its food and drug watchdog on Tuesday, following a sensational downfall that saw him become a symbol of the ruling Communist Party's struggle against corruption.

Quote of the day

From Jonah Goldberg:

Indeed, one could say that Live Earth is proof that global warming has jumped the shark, except for the fact that the phrase "jumped the shark" has jumped the shark.

The concerts seemed like Baptist hoedowns of yore, except now Gore is the Billy Sunday for the baby boomer booboisie.

That part about Madonna exhorting her little "mother-[bleepers]" to jump up and down reminds me of a Beetle Bailey cartoon from many years ago.

Beetle was lounging under a tree until the sergeant walked by, then jumped up and started jumping up and down. Sarge says "keep up the good work." Then in the last panel, Beetle's back under the tree and says "The army doesn't care what you do as long as you do it vigorously."

Cullen and Joel will understand

I'm sure they can relate.

Couric admits she slapped CBS editor

Oh, and she doesn't like certain words.

Katie Couric doesn't like "sputum." When a CBS Evening News editor inserted that word into the anchor's script, several anonymous sources tell New York magazine that Couric slapped his arm "over and over and over again."

Couric, once known as the chipper host of NBC's Today Show, admits losing her cool. �I sort of slapped him around,� Couric tells the magazine. �I got mad at him and said, �You can�t do this to me. You have to tell me when you�re going to use a word like that.� I was aggravated, there�s no question about that.�

Congratulations are in order

Five years. Via Physics Geek.

Send monkeys. Lots of monkeys. Frank loves him some monkeys.

Also he married above his station. Will someone please give her the number of a good rehab clinic?

"Intellectual Valet"?

That's a new one.

Hypocrites

On Saturday, the local pussy grunge station (excuse me, um...adult contemporary station. Call it what you want, it still sucks) was coming! to! US! LIVE! from the Live Dirt (whatever) concert in London. I heard one interview - don't have a clue who the performer was, probably still wouldn't have even if I caught his name - where a guy from one of the acts was talking about how they just got back from filming a bunch of videos in Brazil and, when asked if he had anything to say to the audience, he replied "Yeah! Buy our new CD!" Then he proceeded to march on stage and begin lecturing the audience about the perils of consumption.

These people practically satirize themselves. I don't know which person I'd detest more - the one that was so cluelessly stupid that the hypocrisy never occured to him or the one that thinks he's above the label since he's a Big Important Rock Star not obliged to make the same sacrifices as he is "raising awareness." Cheers to Roger Daltrey:

"Bollocks to that! The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert. I can't believe it. Let's burn even more fuel!

"We have problems with global warming, but the questions and the answers are so huge I don't know what a rock concert's ever going to do to help.

"Everybody on this planet at the moment, unless they are living in the deepest rainforest in Brazil, knows about climate change.

"Why is Gore actually organising them? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect? Everybody's known about that problem for years. We are all fucking conscious of global warming."

Amen. Sort of.

Amusing stuff (updated)

So Daughter Number One called today. Seems that while she and her future ball-and-chain were taking her future-in-laws to the airport in Burbank, they stopped in at a Kwik-E-Mart.

Of all the potential marketing gimmicks in the world today, this one is actually pretty amusing. And it turns out that there is a Kwik-E-Mart near my work. Plan on seeing pics soon (assuming I can get away for a lunch - I had two actual lunches last week, which is my quota for the typical month).

Anyway, DNO said she didn't get a Squishee (the flavors all looked disgusting) but she did get a Buzz Cola and a pink donut. Me, I'm holding out for a Duff Beer, but we shall see what we shall see.

UPDATE: So it's only about five minutes from work, so I hopped in the car and toodled on over.

They were out of all of the Simpsons stuff except for the vile-looking pink donuts and some cookies. No Buzz Cola.

Also, as Emily notes in the comments, they don't sell Duff Beer. They are fascist pigs. DuffMan says, "die, fascist pigs!"

Heh heh heh

Okay, anybody else get this joke reference? Last night we were watching "Family Guy" on tape. FG has this odd running joke with some vaudeville guys with straw boaters and a piano, singing Tin Pan Alley-type songs with altered lyrics.

Last night, they had a brief gag with the tune of "Camptown Ladies" and these lyrics:

Fatty's got a little problem,
Dead girl, dead girl

I suspect that blew right past most of the audience (those that watched it several months ago while we taped it). Anybody else get the reference?

Rock 'n Roll Trivia (The Sainted Marilyn McCoo Edition) [Updated]

[Answers added]

So I took my normal ride today and considered what kinds of questions I would ask. Had a partial list ready to hammer into final form. But while I was at home, I happened to throw an album on my new toy (a turntable) and my mind was hijacked. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Y'all know how I feel about The Goddess Patsy Cline.In the hierarchy of chanteuses that make me quiver, send shivers up and down my spine, and reduce me to a quavering blob of testosterone-laced protoplasm, she is at the top. Number Three on the list is The Sainted Gladys Knight (I'm sorry, my dear, darling, Sainted Gladys, you know I love you to Pips but alas, another takes the Number Two position). And that is The Sainted Marilyn McCoo.

Lucky Sevens

777 - that's the big jackpot. Well, actually, even bigger is 77777.

7th day of the 7th month of '07, he would have started his 77th year.

I detect a theme

This seems to be pr0n day at the 'Pints. So this might be appropriate:

Jewish Boy Porks Ham

Talk about your giant, long peccadillos.

A challenge

People let's do it! Let's see if we can come up with all of the "70 different types of hardcore pornography" that Marriott allegedly offers to its customers! Xenu knows that if some anti-porn crusader (or crusadrix) can come with them, then certainly a crew that fills a Fuck Off thread each week should be able to!

Yes, you may use asterisks as necessary, if you feel so compelled.

No, I haven't been drinking. Yet.

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

To the lovely person staying in the No-Tell Motel that is unfortunately my back yard who has decided to set their alarm clock for 4 am every bloody day and then proceed to either sleep through it or ignore it because of whatever drunken/drug-ridden/unconscious state they may be in so that it wakes me up and keeps me up from that hour on, if I ever find you, I am going to choke you until you turn purple and keep squeezing until the very last second before the lack of oxygen to your barely functioning brain takes your life forever. And when I am finished, I will only hope that it left you at the very least mildly retarded for the rest of your presumably short days. Asshole. Other people live around here, too.

To the people who cannot comprehend that those fireworks they bought were for the 4th of July and not the weeks both before and after, loud bangs are unnerving enough in this part of town. I'm sure most of us could do without them for two straight weeks. Next year, please save your fireworks for the 4th and, on that day, use every stinking last one of them so that you haven't got any left to tempt you on the 5th or any day after until New Year's Eve. You have made me angry enough to have fantasies about shoving Roman candles inside of human body cavities and lighting a match to enjoy the show.

You people seriously need to FUCK OFF. Repeat after me: I am not the only fucking person in the universe.

Take it away, my friends. And have a great weekend.

Mitt Romney is a pornographer?

Who knew?

Romney Criticized for Hotel Pornography
By GLEN JOHNSON, Associated Press Writer
Thu Jul 5, 2:01 PMUPDATED 10 HOURS 4 MINUTES AGO

BOSTON - Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney, who rails against the "cesspool" of pornography, is being criticized by social conservatives who argue that he should have tried to halt hardcore hotel movie offerings during his near-decade on the Marriott board.

A small disappointment

I had decided some years ago that I need to visit Bay Meadows Racetrack, especially since this news came out.

Today, I was in a teleconference at work with some folks on the east coast and in Switzerland. It was at SIX O'CLOCK IN THE FRICKIN' MORNING MY TIME. Hell, by that time of day I've normally been at work for barely an hour so it's not like I wouldn't be there anyway but that's hardly enough time for the caffeine to kick in properly. Anyway, since I knew I had my standard Thursday 3:00-until-whenever meeting, I said fuck it and took an actual lunch time outside the building. Bay Meadows is only 15 minutes away from work. I got there, checked it out, and got back within an hour and 15 minutes.

Weeeeeelllllll... sadly, the plaque that once existed is no longer there. I spoke with a very knowledgeable fellow in operations, who has been with the track for 27 years, and it is not there. I really shouldn't be (and am not) surprised. Danny died 70 years ago.

Still, perhaps one day when they close the track, a storage bin somewhere might be found containing old, treasured items no longer exhibited. Might be a while, though: I hear the track has a new lease on life, at least for another season if things go well. And I plan to hit the track at least once more when this (possibly last) racing season starts in a few short weeks.

And I hold onto to the very real possibility that Uncle Danny may have actually raced against Seabiscuit.

Happy Birthday, America!

This post remains on top through Independence Day. Scroll down for more stuff.

231 years. You rock, my country and my countryfolk! Black, white, red, yellow, purple, atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Decline-do-state, European, Asian, African, Indigenous-for-the-past-20,000-years-American. Even the Bingster.

If you support this country, I support you.

I can't do any better than to link to this post.

And to repost the picture:

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

My people, I love you. Now carry on.

UPDATE: I just had to post this in the extended entry:

Independence Day Quiz

I missed one. F**K! I shouldn't have missed any! Although, realistically, I didn't feel too awfully bad about the one I missed. It was a toughie.

Via Hot Texas Mama.

No good deed goes unpunished

Or, Decline and fall of the British Empire, Part Googol^Googol

So I've been reading about the heroes in Glasgow (birthplace, by the way, of my gg-grandfather). Then I came across the "best headline evar":

HERO CABBIE: I KICKED BURNING TERRORIST SO HARD IN BALLS THAT I TORE A TENDON

Anyway, I clicked through to some of the associated stories at the Daily Record and here's what happened later to our intrepid hero:

HERO CABBIE: POLICE TOOK MY GOOD NIKE TRAINERS
By John Ferguson

BATTLING taxi driver Alex McIlveen faced down the Glasgow Airport terror suspects ... and his courage cost him his favourite pair of trainers and a �30 parking fine.

Dad-of-two Alex punched and kicked the two men after they crashed a Jeep Cherokee loaded with gas canisters into the door of Terminal One.

The 45-year-old booted one of the suspects, whose body was covered in flames, as hard as he could between the legs.

But the man didn't appear to feel the blow, and a police doctor told Alex later that he'd damaged a tendon in his foot.

After the drama, police confiscated Alex's trainers for forensic tests.

And when he went back to the airport to pick up his cab, he was stunned to find that he'd been given a parking ticket.

Alex said: "The police took all the clothes I 'd been wearing so I lost my Nike trainers. They're a good pair too.

"I didn't get out of the police station until late on Saturday night and I found the parking ticket on my cab next day. I couldn't believe it."

Quote of the day

"I think that�s the problem. We don�t tar, feather and beat our politicians like we used to."

Indeed

And speaking of women, sometimes there's just no pleasing them.

Women

Yeah, they're pretty sharp.

BAR-B-QUE!!!

We started celebrating early at the office. Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

OH. MY. GAWD.

I keep checking to make sure this isn't really from "The Onion" (Sidebar: HAHAHAHA!).

But it's actually from Roto-Reuters:

How nice

It's good to hear that Heidi Fleiss is back off her feet and making money.

Heidi Fleiss Opens "Dirty Laundry", Plans To Open Brothel
July 2, 2007 05:53 PM PDT

She is probably the most popular resident of Pahrump, and now she can add laundry business to her resume.

Former Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss, now runs a new laundromat.

She made a fortune writing about people's dirty laundry. Now she has found yet another way to cash in on other people's dirty laundry.

Heidi Fleiss ventures into the laundry industry with the opening of Dirty Laundry.

It is a 24 hour, state-of-the-art, energy efficient laundromat.

Fleiss added special touches, including a bathroom fit for a queen, so her customers are happy.

And our own dear Miss Emily now has a reason to stop off in Nevada.

But she still plans to pursue another project, a brothel catering to women.

Fleiss says the brothel will be legal, but it has been tough for the convicted felon to get an operating license.

"No matter what, there's the whole fraction of people that just think I'm the devil reincarnated", Fleiss says.

She is always keeping her options open.

Damned strait*

You just knew it would happen.

Via Joel.

*Considering the nature of the quiz, I elected to go with this spelling. Seemed appropriate.

Puppy blogging

Well, a few days weeks back we took the beast in for his summer cut. I just had to snap a few pictures. The crazy-ass dog wasn't happy about getting his picture took but that's too damn bad.

Rock 'n' Roll Trivia (Weird-ass nonsense lyrics edition)

So I took a break from various tasks of home repairs to get in an early bike ride before the wind kicked up and/or the sun started beating down unmercifully. Damn Global Warmmongering. Which reminds me: yesterday, while letting the house air out from the fumes of the window stain and varnish, the Sainted Bride, the Crazy-ass Dog, and I went for a walk. We passed a truck bearing a bumper sticker that said something along the lines of "Save the world from ManBearPig" "We must all stop ManBearPig" [I checked on the way to work this morning].

Chuckle.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I was listening to another of the CDs from the 60s collection and was inspired. Rock 'n' Roll, as a worthy successor to Doo-Wop, is well known for using nonsensical lyrics as background and even, sometimes, as the main lyrics. This was especially true in the 50s, continued into the 60s, and reached its apotheosis, of course, with "Louie Louie". Well, in point of fact, the lyrics to "Louie Louie" were not actually nonsensical, merely unintelligible to any but the incredibly stoned.

Still, it's true that the 50s and early 60s were the great heyday of dumbass nonsense lyrics. And it's been downhill ever since.

With that in mind, please let us proceed. I realize that my last trivia post has not been fully answered. What, you people don't keep up with drug songs? Or anti-drug songs? Or do you just have actual lives? No matter, I shall post once more. Please to name the song associated with the nonsense lyrics, please. Caveat: these lyrics are rendered from memory. Any resemblance to the actual nonsense lyrics is strictly coincidental and serendipitous.

1) Down doo-be-doo down down, comma comma down doo-be-doo down down [CalTechGirl gets it, it's Neil Sedaka's "Breakin' Up is Hard to Do"]

2) Dahm dahm, dahm oo do dahm, o-doo-be-doo dahm dahm [Very tiny hint: this was a "Jeopardy!" question back in the mid-80s; I really can't recall if they spelled the "dahms" the same way I do]

3) Dahm dahm dahm dahm, dahm de doo-be dahm dahm dahm dahm, wah wah wah waaaaa-aahhhhhh

Interestingly, those last two questions really are different songs. BTW, those "dahm"s might be rendered as "dom" but the syllables are dragged out a bit so I have rendered them thusly.

4) Sha na na na, sha na na na na, bah yip yip yip yip, yip yip yip yip, boomba boomba boomba

Tons more where those came from, too, I just can't think of them at the moment. Toss your answers in the comments and throw in any other cool dumbass nonsense lyrics you can think of.

Me, I'm going back to home repairs.

Weird

Okay, this illustrates, I suppose, the difference between city dogs and country dogs.

I was chopping up some venison to make venison tacos this evening. I tossed a couple of pieces on the floor for Wily. He turned his nose up that them. Weird little shit.

Our previous dog, Bridget, who grew up on a ranch, used to scarf up any kind of venison that made its way to the floor.

It's not that Wily dislikes meat, he currently has a beef bone that he's been hoarding for a few days. But turning his nose up at venison? That's just frickin' weird. Sissified little city-slicker.

Rock 'n' Roll Trivia (Drug Addled Edition)

(SPOILED, too. Alan and Nightfly got a couple of the answers, the rest are filled in)

Well, drug as in nectar of the gods, but it's a drug nonetheless. Add in the paint and woodstain fumes and it's definitely a huffing-good drug time.

So today we had guys in staining and painting on the windows we had installed recently. Nice, new, double-pane (or pain, take your choice) windows, all greenie-weenie, energy-efficient stuff, which we could actually afford because the kid turned down Harvard. This staining and painting is, of course, all stuff I could do on my own as a manly man but I've reached a stage in my life at which I refuse to tolerate substandard work. Which means, of course, that I will pay someone to do it right, rather than muck it up myself.

So anyway, I went for my normal weekend bike ride with a 60s CD. I'm collecting questions for future trivia quizzes, but I thought I would just do one that's been on the back burner for a little while. Having attended the drug capital of the western hemisphere, and lived right next door to the "Merrill Drugstore", I feel highly qualified to do a druggie edition of R'n'RTrivia.

Funny thing I learned in high school, though - despite the association of Rock 'n' Roll with drugs (and sex, but that's another, more interesting, trivia edition), there actually were a fair number of anti-drug Rock 'n' Roll songs. At least, anti-hard-drugs. And that's what we're talking about today. So polish up your roachclips, whet your syringes, fill your chaser glasses, and let's get ready for some trivia:

Gun blogging

Yeah, I know I don't do enough of it. That is, of course, why Bitter spends her time with this guy instead of here. Well, that and the fact that I once taught the Sainted Bride how to shoot a rifle.

And a pistol.

Thank goodness I never taught her to shoot a shotgun.

Where was I? Oh yeah, gun blogging. Right. Let me tell you about the funkiest gun I ever saw. I would say "weirdest" gun, but does anyone in the this vast audience remember Winslow rifles? Years ago, I would see them in Gun Digest and Shooter's Bible. Them was some weird-ass lookin' rifles, I tell you what. I can't seem to find more pics than the one a David Petzal's site so when you get a chance go to the public liberry and pic some old (pre-1996) copies of GD and SB to see what I'm talking about.

Where was I? Oh yeah, gun blogging. Right. Let me tell you about the funkiest gun I ever saw.

Interesting

I just got a spam email from "Think Bulgarian Property".

Given their recent history, I think not

Random, meaningless observation

Metal lathes and I are not a good mix.

The Friday Fuck Off Thread

The last couple of weeks can fuck off. First I lose my keys. I didn't misplace them, mind you. I had them when I left my apartment, put them in my pocket - a very deep pocket, didn't take them out once and, at the end of the day, they were just gone. Then a couple of days ago as I was going home, I stopped off at the market to buy some food, paid with my ATM card, put my wallet in my back pack and went home. The next morning, it wasn't there. I didn't touch it that night - not my back pack, not my wallet, nothing - nobody came over, nobody could have broken in...nothing. Just gone. Six to ten days to get a new ATM card with no money and no ID in the meantime. The earliest appointment I can get at the DMV to get a replacement license (oh, can they ever FUCK OFF) is next Friday.

Last night, I was clipping my toe nails (yeah, I know how much you guys must love reading stories about toe nails) and tugged a little on the one on my left middle toe and the whole thing just tore off. The entire nail. It didn't hurt last night thanks to the two-and-a-half pints of Guinness I had under my belt, but it sure does hurt this morning, so my left middle toe can fuck off as well.

Burned out. You?

UPDATE: To the very kind, generous, sweet, thoughtful soul who found my wallet wherever my space case of a half-minded nit wit self left it behind and dropped it in a mail box so that it was returned instead of attempting to go crazy with my credit or ATM cards, THANK YOU.

HAHAHA!

I almost died laughing.

Help a link whore get a date

The poor boy sounds desperate. Hey, I've seen pictures of her, I understand his motivation. And he's in the sidebar.

UPDATE: Eric also supplies the quote of the day:

I want to slip into her bedroom, steal her stem cells, and clone her into a harem of hot Jewish brunettes.

Also, this quote:

God has the power to shove a flamethrower up my hide, and I am appreciative he has not done so as of yet.

Is P***s Burning?

Yes, John, only when the herpes acts up. Well, also when some gal on morning TV sets fire to her (You probably have to wade through a commercial).

Well, not really. Stupid lighter didn't work. Shoulda got a Zippo. But she did put P***s through a paper shredder, so it's all good*.

BWAHAHAHA!

Thanks, P.G.!

UPDATE: So I watched the video here and clicked through and saw this amusing one.

Dumbfuck EUnuchs

Jeebus. What a bunch of feckin' retards.

Secularist Europe Silences Pro-Lifers and Creationists
By Paul Belien, Brussels Journal
Monday, June 25, 2007

Last week, a German court sentenced a 55-year old Lutheran pastor to one year in jail for "Volksverhetzung" (incitement of the people) because he compared the killing of the unborn in contemporary Germany to the holocaust. Next week, the Council of Europe is going to vote on a resolution imposing Darwinism as Europe's official ideology. The European governments are asked to fight the expression of creationist opinions, such as young earth and intelligent design theories. According to the Council of Europe these theories are "undemocratic" and "a threat to human rights."

At the same time, I have very big issues with punishing people for disagreeing about abortion. My views on the subject are irrelevant. You simply don't jail people for disagreeing with current law.

Unless you're a EUnuch, apparently.

Via Diana, who, I'm sure, disagrees with me on the subject. I'm sure she also disagrees with me on abortion. That's no reason to jail either one of us for our views.

XXX!

This one was stolen from Ricki....

Mingle² - Online Dating

Sniff. I am so proud of you, Ken. Keep up the good work.

Well good on them

I wouldn't have expected it.

US Weekly has had enough of the P***s H****n story
Mercury News wire services
Article Launched: 06/26/2007 11:09:39 PM PDT

P***s H****n gets out of jail on Tuesday and she won't be on the cover of US Weekly on Friday?

How, short of the Apocalypse, is this possible?

"When it came down to it, the staff and I felt what I believe a lot of people in America are feeling. Which is just enormous P***s fatigue," US Weekly Editor Janice Min told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

As a result, H****n not only won't be on the cover, there won't even be a mention of her in the magazine.

"I don't think," Min joked, "we even mention the city of P***s."