save your sanity for later.

So a number of people have asked me what happened with Rob.

The short story is that it's all my fault.

( The long story )

Two days ago I broke down and called Austin a few times. He said he'd rather talk over text, so I made as good an argument as can be made in messages of less than 140 characters that we should get back together.

He never responded to my final text, asking how he felt about the idea of us getting back together. (Stop cringing, we're still broken up. It was a moment of extreme weakness.)

Yesterday, he sent me a few messages on WoW and I asked him how he felt about it again. (OK, so I was weak on a consistent basis, but I'm TRYING TO GET BETTER OK.)

He didn't respond. I sent him another few messages, he said he was busy, I said "fine." That's it. That's all I said.

He then said "shut up." Then "I don't need more drama."

I think I have finally snapped. I honestly don't want to talk to someone who treats me like that. I wasn't being dramatic, I wasn't being manipulative, and those are two epithets he's cast at me regularly.

I sent him a package of his things on Monday. He told me that he got it today, so there's really no reason for me to ever speak to him again.

It hurts, getting pain from someone I had previously associated with loving kindness. It hurts and it feels wrong. I keep thinking I've done something wrong, I've done something bad, I deserve this. And that spirals back to the old depressive thinking—I'm guilty, I'm wrong, I'm bad—that I've made such a fucking point of getting out of my life.

I don't need this. I'm stopping, as of now. I've blocked all of his characters from contacting me on any of mine. I've blocked his AIM. He never emailed me so fuck that, and I can ignore texts. I don't want to do this but I have to, for my own sake.

I don't need him in my life. I don't need his immaturity, his inability to handle problems of daily life and turning them into crises—if anyone's the drama queen here, it's him.

I want to say there are so many good things about him, like it matters. I want to apologize to him for anything I've done wrong—but I did nothing wrong, I DID NOTHING WRONG. (Besides maybe contacting him in the first place, but I'm correcting that now.)

I'm tired of wasting my time crying over someone who doesn't treat me with the common decency and respect that I deserve. I deserve that, goddamnit. I deserve so much better than that.

Now if only this entire entry weren't an exercise in convincing myself—if only I believed it. But fake it until you make it; if I keep acting as though I deserve better, then eventually I'll believe it. The trick's worked before, it can work again.

I have successfully made it two days without contacting Austin. Managed to laugh a few times today without bursting into tears.

It's the little victories.

And have mostly avoided obsessing about how he's not getting in contact with me.*

With the help of a lot of pharmaceuticals and a little bit of beer (as much as I'm allowed to have with these meds, don't worry, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow).