hardtothinksometimes

Thanks to ysabetwordsmith, I think I'm going to start a Recurring series called Thursday Thoughts.

Yeah, most of this journal will be my thoughts, but I'm going to use Thursday Thoughts specifically to track my overall mental health journey and progress through everything.

The last few years have been very hard. I can't pretend everything was ok anymore, but it gets to a point where you kinda have to say to yourself, "it doesn't really matter what happened anymore, it matters what you do with it."

Found myself a good therapist and she's really been helping. But there's a lot to work through.

I'm a chronic people pleaser, to the point that it started destroying me. Feels like I haven't really done what I've wanted my whole life, really let so many people dictate my actions. I really weep for my younger self, because it did so much damage to her soul, just making sure everyone else around her (well, me), was comfortable. It got so bad recently that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. All this pain started turning into rage and resentment and extreme anger. Anger I was taking out on my husband, on my mental health. I was completely and utterly lost (well I still am, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore). The other day I sat there saying to my therapist, "I've wasted my life" and she just looks at me like, "No, you've been living your life, and now you get to make the changes you're ready for."

Maybe that's it? Maybe I wasn't ready? Wasn't developed enough? Needed time to grow? I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm on the verge of something.

A big journey that I've been on, is really separating myself from my parents. Not "no contact", but allowing myself space to think and be outside of who they are. I love them dearly, but it hasn't always been an easy relationship, and there's been a lot of pain and struggle there, and of course love, but I really have been realizing lately that I am a product of my parents, ESPECIALLY my mother, (who I was enmeshed with, and have broken that with great difficulty and still pain sometimes) and I follow a lot of the same actions and behaviours that I grew up watching. She complains a lot, is put out by the slightest difficulty, that everything is hard and stressful, and that we need to be careful. Basically living life through fear. And these last few years I've been really finding myself duplicating these behviours and I don't want to anymore. Problems are really just challenges to be solved, and I'm learning that more and more every day. And I have my husband to thank for showing me through that. Simply put, I will not allow myself to be chained by old/outdated behaviours that do not serve me anymore

It's a journey.

Late last year I moved to Europe, which has been amazing but also quite a struggle, but it's a struggle I've chosen. I really don't feel like I've allowed myself to really enjoy my time here. It's been about getting myself set up properly, this and that, but really, I've been majorly avoidant. There's 2 whole months of summer left, and I look forward to enjoying them.

I think I might even start a Wednesday recurring post idea to help myself along this journey called "Whimsy Wednesdays". Finding the little things that bring joy, a little bit of whimsy into my life.

Thanks for reading

~