junesleep

Went to a birthday party for my sibling's friend and had a good time! Was outside for about seven hours, and my social battery was pretty depleted afterwards. I had a good time playing board games and eating pizza. I barely knew anyone there, but everyone was super friendly and nice, so I didn't feel out of place. I didn't experience any paranoia about anyone, so that was really nice. And today I have one of my friends coming over, so I'm waiting for her. I'm expecting us to have a lot of fun! That's been my weekend so far.

My dad got me a book about bipolar disorder by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD. It is really helpful, even though I have schizoaffective bipolar type. I wish there was a book as in depth about schizoaffective, but because it is a controversial diagnosis there aren't many resources from experts in the disorder. Mostly just books from people with the diagnosis, which is helpful in its own right. I feel like I have to mix together the information I learn about schizophrenia with the information I learn about bipolar disorder in order to get a fuller picture at schizoaffective disorder. Learning about the condition helps me accept my diagnosis more.

A couple of days ago I visited my library and picked up a few books! Thought I would share them here.

This book is a Golden Girls book! I haven't seen the whole entire show, but I really enjoy the episodes I have seen. So I am really excited to read this. I've read a few chapters, and so far this book has totally felt like I'm watching an episode of Golden Girls. This author really understands the tone and voice of the show and characters.

I will share images of the other books I got when I start reading them, but I also got The Neverending Story by Michael Ende and I got a book called Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, PhD. I'm excited to read those books as well.

I posted this to my Tumblr account and I thought it might be good to share it here.

As summer begins and the days get hotter where I live, this is a reminder if you have a schizophrenia spectrum disorder and/or take certain psychiatric medication, please take it easy! Check your medication to see if it causes heat intolerance/sensitivity, drink water, stay cool, and try to limit how often you are outside or in the sun. Medications can cause heat intolerance, but the mental illness itself can affect parts of the brain that help thermoregulation in your body and it may impair your interoception, aka your awareness of your body's internal senses. And this doesn't just apply to schizophrenia-related disorders, if you have anxiety or bipolar it may also apply to you!

So just please be aware and stay healthy. Mentally ill people have an increased risk for hospitalization and even death during summer and heat waves, so please read up on summer safety! Here is a document that I have found very informative. Here is an article about the risks of people with schizophrenia and heat waves.

Have you heard of this artist named Leith Ross? I've heard of them only once before, because I listened to the song "We'll Never Have Sex" and I really enjoyed it. Recently, on a whim, I decided to check out their page on YouTube Music and gave their most recent album a listen. And I really enjoy it! It reminds me of Sufjan Stevens' style of music, which I also really enjoy. It especially reminded me of his album Carrie & Lowell. The album is called I Can See The Future, and it was released in 2025.
This is the album cover:

I think it is really pretty. I would recommend this album to everyone who likes the folk, rock, indie style. It has pretty emotional themes around grief and love, which are also themes I enjoy listening to in music.

Hello! I thought I should update on my situation from my last post. I am fully medicated now, the paranoia and odd beliefs aren't pressing issues anymore. I have been dealing with pretty bad evening anxiety and depression, which I learned from a bipolar book is called "reverse diurnal mood variation." I guess this is the trade-off with my meds. I've been managing it by distracting myself and not staying up as late.

This post is called Caretaking because I am currently helping support my younger sibling through a knee injury! Since Wednesday, they haven't been able to move around and do things like they usually can. Luckily, the pain isn't so bad anymore, but their mobility is still affected and they are using crutches. I have been a great help taking care of them. Sometimes it is helpful to think of it like how Ruby takes care of Max in the show Max and Ruby, which is a show I really enjoy. She is an inspiration to me, as an older sibling who takes care of our younger sibling.

I finished that Nancy Drew book! I have been reading at a slow pace. To avoid overwhelming myself. I am slowly reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Right now, I think I have lost the ability to read quickly and with sustained attention, especially long, older books like this one. But I am not in the mood to read modern books! So I'm not putting pressure on myself. If it takes me three months to finish this book, then it takes me three months. I'm enjoying it though, it is a lot funnier than I expected it to be. I've been drawing a bit too, sketching with graphite pencils. I will try sharing some of my drawings.

Thank you for reading.

Hello, I'm pretty happy about this so I wanted to share. I've always preferred Firefox because I have pretty big privacy concerns about Google and stuff like that. Firefox has really stood out in my mind because of their focus on privacy, less distracting additions, and against the selling of personal data. I really respect it for that. But for the longest time I had two browsers: Firefox, the one I would use for fun fandom stuff, and Google, the one I would use for more personal stuff. It was always a hassle going between them and I had my dislike of Google and setting up a second account on Firefox was always so much trouble to do.

But just today, and I don't know if they updated this to make it easier or what, I was able to download all my bookmarks and passwords to a SEPARATE Firefox account! Now I have two accounts on this browser! I'm so happy about it. Now I just need to log in to everything I need. It's been so nice, though.

Update from 9:48 PM -- I did something else! I experimented on my old laptop by switching over the system from Windows to Linux Mint. It took three hours of troubleshooting and MANY restarts of that poor old laptop, but I got it working! I was so proud of myself, even though I don't fully know how to use it or how it will benefit me. But my laptop seems to be working pretty quickly. Just to put into perspective how old this laptop is: it couldn't update past Windows 8.1 and I had to deal with slowness and other issues. It's so interesting to work with a different system. I also like that it gives me an opportunity to test out if it would be worth switching over my newer, current laptop over to Linux.

I'm finally back on all my meds. It will take a while for them to be fully effective, but I'm glad to be on them again. I was starting to feel really out of it and my concentration was super bad. I still feel quite strange and anxious about leaving the house. But I'm at school so I'm going to try and go through my normal routine. This past week I have not been great about doing my schoolwork. It has been hard to write or read or draw or do anything. Hopefully a week from now I will be feeling a lot better!

Another thing I need to prioritize is getting on a stable insurance. I'm on my parent's insurance, but my parent has changed jobs multiple times these past few years and it has been a hassle to constantly change things. It would be a massive weight off my shoulders if I was on my own stable insurance. I asked about it on Reddit, and someone suggested getting state healthcare. I think that person might be right. I've looked at the official website and it seems a bit confusing. I don't know if I will qualify because of my complicated family situation. But I should try. I have also considered going on disability for a meager income, because getting a job that I can do without triggering severe symptoms feels impossible. I can't work that many hours and there are weeks where I can't be around many people. My psychiatrist said I should find a place that I can work two or three days a week at for a couple of hours, but I have never gotten a reply to anywhere I apply to. And the one time I called a grocery store asking about a job and telling my hours, I basically was told I wouldn't be a good fit. Also I don't have the most reliable transportation, I don't drive. I want to try working before I write it off as impossible and go on disability. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try.

Because I have been so unwell, my diet has not been the best. Eating out a lot, eating processed foods, etc. It would be nice to cook more homemade meals. Hopefully I will be feeling better and make more of my own food.

We're having a winter storm where I live, a strange turn after the sunlight and warmth we got last week. It's been raining all day today and it will be like that for the rest of the week. Our dog has not enjoyed the idea of doing his business in the rain. We've been taking advantage of the breaks to let him out. This feels like winter is coming to an end and this is one of the season's final hurrahs. I can only hope that spring will arrive soon.

Mentally I have not been doing well this past week. I've been experiencing low lows, and I found myself falling into destructive habits. Sometimes I really don't know what's wrong with me. Ah, but I won't mope around here. However, this unfortunately means I have no new artwork to share or anything of the sort. I've been quite busy with school. I'm taking a Japanese class! That's been pretty fun. Although, the class overwhelms me a bit. Not the subject matter, but the actual class. The teacher is very nice and personable, and he has a very relaxed attitude with the class speaking and making jokes. But for me, I've never felt comfortable around too-chill teachers. I just want to focus on the work, and I don't mind the odd joke every now and again (I mean, I don't do too well around super strict teachers either!), but I worry that a lot of the teaching time is being taken up with commentary and jokes. I like the class though, I really do.

I feel very odd. I worry that I have nothing interesting to share and that I'm oversharing at the same time. I have a lot of mental issues that make doing everyday tasks really challenging. Using the Internet can be challenging because of how much it triggers my anxiety. I have to remind myself to take life one day at a time and to work within my limitations. Pushing myself is all well and good, but I have to remember that chronic stress isn't good on the human body. Eventually my body will get sick and force me to stop pushing myself. I don't want it to get that far, you know?

I've been thinking of writing some poetry. I haven't really written much poetry, I'm more used to writing little narratives. I think my poems will be quite bad. But maybe it will be okay to share them. I'll also try to add more photos in the future. I think that will spice up these posts a bit more. Thank you for reading.

I've spent quite a bit of time working on my personal website. I've had it since mid-2024, and I've been working on it on and off since then. I originally made it when I had surgery and knew I wouldn't be able to do many activities. Well, coding is a very calm activity that I didn't need to move much to do, so that's why I started it. I'm still not quite sure what I want to do with it, I'm sorta just putting together different elements I like. I've been searching through all sorts of other websites to get inspired. You can visit my website here.

It's not very clean looking. It takes me a while to practice coding in html and css. But I'm pretty happy that I have a website to call my own.

As the Christmas season reaches its peak, I find myself being less stressed about everything. I have this ongoing mantra in my head of "Everything will work out" and really just accepting everything that happens during my day. Not spending too much mental energy on worries and anxieties. My paranoia has gotten a lot better. I am simply enjoying myself, not putting too much pressure on myself at all. There's simply no reason to. It is the start of winter, I have close to zero true responsibilities, and I'm just existing.

One of my most frustrating habits is that I always feel like I need guidance on being a person, on being an adult, on just existing. I am always looking for a new book that promises it will teach me how to be myself or be happier or be happy with being minimalist or whatever. Or I find a string of YouTube videos about what aesthetics I should have or how I should behave or what is trendy with the world. And I always feel stretched in a million directions because I'm following all of these self-help guides at the same time. I've spent so much time doing this that I sometimes worry that I don't know myself. It can be scary.

But in 2026 I am saying "no" to self-help guides. I am not going to let self-improvement books or videos or social media dictate what I like to do or who I am.

I wish I had more drawings to share, but the new sketchbook I am using is different from my old one and I am getting used to it.