nosila

Feeling like I need to write some things down. It's getting really hard to hold everything together right now. I'm still fighting very low iron, struggling with some other health issues. Not serious ones, just inconvenient ones. Girly plumbing issues. Ovarian cysts, abnormal menstruation, and low iron all combine to make me tired, unmotivated, and sad.

It's also just really hard being the only person bringing in any money. I've been holding this family together financially now for the last 5 (6?) years. It wasn't so bad the second year when J was going to school. The first year he was on EI. But the last 3 or 4, it has been just me. When J was first unemployed he did stuff around the house. Now, it's like he's doing less and less. He makes dinner. He does laundry. But I still do all the tidying, all the real cleaning, basically everything but cooking and laundry. I'm starting to resent him for spending *my* money every time he buys himself anything (Socks! Smokes! Timmies coffee!) which is not the way to maintain a healthy relationship.

And work is bittersweet just now too. I really feel like I've been sidelined. I don't whine about work usually. And the new library is a great thing for Halifax. But it has meant that a chunk of my regional work has basically been taken away and handed over to the staff at the new library. It's like Central is much bigger and more important that the rest of us feel diminished by it. But if you say anything about it, that's seen as sour grapes.

So I'm struggling with a number of stressful things, on top of my old friend depression. And it's winter, which adds another layer of weight and darkness. I'm tired and sad and stressed. But trying very hard not to complain. At least I'm aware enough now that I'm not sabotaging friendships though. It's very easy to try to assuage your own unhappiness by trying to make others unhappy too.

5 things

Weight Watchers started up again at work. Which is good, because I need the help and support that it gives me.

Photo shoot at Point Pleasant yesterday for the kids and their cousin, to get photos for the grandparents. Went really well, considering that getting three kids to smile at the same time is an almost mpossible task! Can't wait to see the photos.

Henna. Did my hair again on the weekend, and it feels so nice, and the colour is so rich.

And that's three. As many as I have for today.

5 things

Hmm. If I limit to just today, I won't have much luck, so I'm going to consider the last weekend too.

The Parade of Lights. So much fun this year, with perfect weather--clear, but above freezing. Looking forward to next year already.

Yoga pants. How did I not know how comfortable these are???

I'm currently on hold with Bell customer service, because we've been charged $320 for an early hardware upgrade we didn't get, and the hold music is waaaay too loud, so that's all I can come up with right now!

It's been a while, but here are 5 things for which I am grateful today:

Momnipotent by Nancy White-borrowed this from the library many years ago, been looking for it ever since. Couldn't even find it to obtain "unethically" on the interwebz. Finally caved and bought a second hand copy which arrived yesterday, and which I opened and listened to today. It's just as good, maybe better, than I remember. Daughters of Feminists is just an instant classic, in my mind anyway.

Pain au chocolat from TIBS. Yes, I only eat about two a year, and I had one today.

A new haircut. Still not quite as short as I want it, I think, but just so much better than before. And I only called yesterday, and got an appointment today, during my lunch hour, with the stylist that I like!

My mum, for taking to kids yesterday, and keeping them until 7 pm tonight. In fact, she might be keeping the boy for another night as well!

Doodle's dance class--she loves it. Just loves it. She isn't very good at it, due to the hemiparesis that comes from the CP, but she loves it so much she just sparkles when she comes out of class.

And that's me done. 5 things.

5 things for which I am thankful today.

Moving furniture. Mum and I spent the weekend moving furniture around and rearranging both kids' rooms. It felt good to be doing something positive that involved a little heavy lifting!

Doodle slept until 7 am. After the alarm went off. In her newly rearranged room. I don't know if those things are related or not, but I can count on one hand the number of nights that haven't ended up with Doodle crawling in next to us in the wee small hours of the night (usually around 5:30, but who's counting?).

Cheese and crackers (specifically Ritz!). They make for a very quick lunch when rushing around in the mornings.

That the daycare feeds my children a nutritious lunch every day. Partly because it means I don't have to rush around preparing their lunch in the mornings as well, and partly because I feel less guilty if we end up having beans and wieners for supper!

I had five, but somehow managed to lose the post. And I can't remember what the 5th one was. Oh wait, my Twitter feed just reminded me. I'm thankful that I don't know who or what Honey Boo Boo is, and that I feel no need to use Google to find out. So don't bother telling me in the comments. It also means I don't get any of those references to Honey Boo Boo on facebook/Twitter/the Interwebz in general. Which is okay by me!

Wait, here's an added sixth thing, just for fun. Funny cat videos from youtube, this one in particular:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyuYGnGzMKI

So today I've been struggling with job-related anxiety. The new Central library, which I go past most days on my bus, is a wonderful thing. I know lots of people are looking forward to it, and as a patron, if I was to have another year of mat leave, for example, when I spent a lot of time in the old library with each of my kids, I'm sure I'd be really looking forward to it as well. But it's going to impact my job in a variety of ways, none of which area really clear yet, and I am struggling to keep an even keel over it. Change is one thing, but this is unknown change, constantly shifting and uncertain, and I'm not in the right place to be excited by it.

For one thing, my immediate manager has a regional resource role, so that means she will be moving to the new library. Currently, I do a number of regional things to support her regional role, as do most of my programming staff. With her being at Central, and with Central being billed as the new hub of regional services, I'm worried that the regional responsibilities of my job will end up shifting to someone in the new library. I applied for this position because of the unique regional aspects of it, and I don't want to lose this. In many ways, it will be a step back for me career-wise, going from a position with branch and regional roles to a position that only has branch level responsibilities. I'm really worried that I will lose the part of my job that I love most, that it will be taken and given to someone else.

I'm also worried about how this will affect my staff. Right now, my staff go on the road and perform in other branches during busy programme times like March Break and Summer. Because of this, I have the best of the best when it comes to programming. My staff are truly awesome, and I have 4 of them. If the regional resource manager that we all report to in our regional roles is moved to Central, will their regional programming responsibilities go there too? Will some of the positions here be moved to Central? Will I actually lose staff to Central? We have wonderful teams here, and create very high quality programs. There's a really wonderful atmosphere here, of creativity and fun, and hard work, and the dynamic between staff is wonderful. I worry that we're going to lose some of that.

Even though nobody really knows anything about how things are going to change, it's already affecting our morale, because we know that there will be a big impact on us as a team. And this makes me sad. And stressed.

5 things

I finished me new winter hat. It's not winter yet, but it will be soon!

The Boy spent 20 minutes reading this morning, voluntarily, no yelling or drama. It was lovely.

Today is my Monday off, and I don't have to do any housework cause we did it all yesterday!

It's sunny out, but not hot or humid. Feels like Autumn, and it's lovely.

My knitpicks order arrived, and the colours are just the colours I wanted for my Colour Affection, which I will let myself knit as soon as I finish the purple socks!

5 things

Found some fake fur at work for A's hobbit costume for Hallowe'en.
Kids have gone away for a sleepover at granny's.
Work is planning to do weight watchers at work again, provided they get 15 registered. So if you know anyone who works in my building, let them know!
I'm stuck on 3 today. I blame the rain. It's hard to find five things to be thankful for when it's so dark and dreary.

5 things

My new agenda came in at work. I love office supplies! Plus, this one is 16 month, so I can start using it right away!

All the SRC final reports came in before the deadline. Well, all except two (one of which is mine, so that doesn't really count).

A whole 1.5 hours to sit by the harbour in the sunshine. And it's not at all humid. The perfect way to spend an hour and a half before going to work.

Seeing a seal in the harbour. Popped his head up three times that I saw, watching the people. I know there are seals in the harbour, but I've only actually seen them right downtown two or three times.

5 things

The Boy has both of his best friends in his classroom. Thank goodness. He has been incredibly stressed about this!

Returning to KOL and seeing Berkeley and Teagan. Doesn't seem like B has been gone for a year now!

Hearing that another friend is pregnant. Something I know she's been wanting for a long time. So happy for her.

A night at the cabin on the weekend. I love that place. So quiet. So many stars. No electricity, no running water, no cars, no TV, nothing.

Seeing the bats at the cabin, swooping just feet above us catching their dinner. Bats are so cool.

And that's 5!