I am a dung beetle.... constantly pushing shit around

It all started in October when Israel decided to murder the Palestinians in Gaza. The precedent was set 3 years ago that this would mean expulsion from the contest, after all, Russia was banned, but no. Months went on and Israel we still in the contest and the EBU refused to kick them out despite increasing public pressure and pressure from artists. Many were involved in open letters to the EU pointing out the hypocrisy, but the EBU wouldn't budge. Under all of this there was also the Israeli song change, as the original was found to be overtly political making reference to October 7, so it was change to the not much better Hurricane, and the EBU was happy. They were alone in that feeling.

For much of March the favourite was Croatia. In April Switzerland became favourite before May brought it back to Baby Lasagna from Croatia, an act that was not even meant to be in Dora (the national selection), but here it was at Eurovision. After being presented at Dora as a reserve song when another was forced to withdraw, it took over. For the first time in ever, Croatia had a legitimate chance of winning. but first they had the semis.


The First Semi was uneventful. Croatia made it through as did Serbia, Cyprus, Luxembourg (who had returned after a 3 decade hiatus), Ireland, Ukraine, Slovenia, Lithuania, Portugal, and Finland. Australia did not make it through finishing 11th, but to be fair this was a song made for juries and there was no jury in the semis, only a public vote. there were also live performances by three of the big 5 (+ winner). UK, Germany, and Sweden took to the stage and really they should have came on after all the countries that needed a vote had performed, but instead they were dispersed between the acts. this can be fixed next year.

The Second Semi was always going to be more tense due to the presence of Israel. The tension through the broadcast appeared to finally end with their performance at 14, and Israel got through with the Netherlands, Norway, Greece, Switzerland, Austria, Armenia, Latvia, Georgia, and Estonia. What was not heard through the broadcast though was the boo's for Israel because muted and covered in canned applause, which sounded tacky. What was also not heard was what went on behind the stage which resulted in the Netherlands being disqualified from the final. This didn't break until the following evening. but before that there was Italy.

 

During the broadcast on RAI, a ticker appeared on the bottom of the screen while the grand finalists from the semi were being announced. The ticker showed what was apparently the percentages from the televote from Italy to the other countries in the semi. What stood out like a dogs bollocks was the Israel got almost 40% of the televote. This was impossible. The next highest was the Netherlands and they were only around 7%. Fans quickly decided that this was not an 'accidental leak' as was being announced in the media, this was a warning. the results were seriously wrong or manipulated. the fear spread like wildfire. There were calls for an anti-vote, a vote for one selected favourite to ensure Israel could not win. The fans were mobilising.

The Jury final was starting and all the performers, including the Dutch had gone through the flag ceremony, where all the grand finalists are presented in performance order with their nations flag. Soon after this Joost, the Dutch performer, left the arena. his name was also removed from the running order. The Juries saw a taped performance of Joost from the Semi final in lieu of a live show. meanwhile his name was being removed from the door of his dressing room. Scant details were coming out but there was something about an EBU staffer and Joost in police questioning. It was not until the next day that details started trickling in and not long after his name was apparently put back on his dressing room door, the news was confirmed that he was disqualified. For what though.

There was an announcement early on that it did not involve Israel. That appeared to have only been said to calm the crowds who were baying for blood. It was known that the Israeli delegation were harassing some of the acts including Joost and Irelands Bambie Thug and goading them into making comments. This was known because the Israeli delegation had filmed it and put it up online. The Israeli delegation are also alleged to have made comments to Joost about his deceased dad. Despite the bulling, Israel were still not being sanctioned, but we were detailing with a very real disqualification of a gentle soul. Acts were also reporting harassment from the Israeli media at the venue. This is where the truth was and it is where we learn about the Swedish law of 'unlawful threats'

So back to semi 2, when Joost was leaving the stage, apparently a Israeli journalist/camera woman was backstage demanding an interview. Joost was mindful that he needed to get back straight after his performance to the greenroom. he told the journo no, multiple times sand informed her he did not want to be filmed. They were forcing the point and he made a gesture. He did not touch the other person but they deemed the gesture threatening and reported it to the EBU and the Swedish police. After the police questioning of Joost and Crisis talks, the Dutch delegation were brought in for mediation with the camera woman who refused all reasonable offers of apologies and mitigation strategies and the EBU made the call to disqualify him.


14 hours after the disqualification, Joost still has not made an official comment. The Dutch delegation immediately called the disqualification 'disproportionate'. Dutch TV presenter Cornald Maas was asked by international media for his comment. he is being misquoted as saying 'Fuck the EBU", what he did say was "I would say 'fuck the EBU'", and since many have repeated this sentiment. It is gut wrenching though because this was Joost's dream, a promise he made his dad before he died of cancer, he wanted to perform at the Eurovision final, and some evil person took that away because they had broken the rules. The camera person was not even meant to be in that back stage area. They were the harassing party. but the show must go on, and it did
An announcement was made early in the show about the disqualification. There was much dissatisfaction.it was obvious this was a dumpster fire event and Germany came prepared with their own

 

There have been mentioned that the broadcasters cut the sound quickly after acts so they did not make speeches. Portugals performance was initially not put on line do to the Keffiyeh's painted on her nails. The EBU tried to hide the boos on Israel but were less successful than in the semi, and then there was Martin Österdahl, the EBUs Executive officer, who is unlikely to hold the job much longer if the boos were anything to go by. Whenever he was on the screen to make an announcement, the Audience sounded more like a mob, and he had to make a few announcements, including for the votes for The Netherlands as their spokesperson withdrew from the contest in the aftermath. Two other spokes persons withdrew and were hastily replaced and votes were put up on the screen. When Israel announced their votes, many in the crowed turned their back on the stage. Slowly two things became apparent, the Jury loved Switzerland and; the jury was not fussed on Israel. They finished on 52 jury votes in total. If Joost was allowed to perform, we later found out that the jury would have given him 58 votes.

The top three at the end of the Jury count were:

Switzerland 365
France 218
Croatia 210

Now for the public.

Israel hit the lead briefly receiving 323 votes from the public tanking them to 375. There were boos. they were quickly overtaken by Ukraine, who after receiving 307 from the people, went up to 453. cheers went up. Croatia won the Televote on 337. Ironically if the Netherlands performed it would have split the vote and Croatia would have been much lower. Israel could have won the televote had their journalist not had Joost disqualified. This means Joost is our Jesus, he took the fall to save us.

Croatia could not win with that televote and finished on 547 in total, this pushed Ukraine below Baby Lasagna, but the overall winner was Switzerland on 591

 

The shit show has not stopped though. Many acts have since come out to speak of the toxic environment Lithuania, Spain, Ireland to name a few. Italy are facing has been sanctioned, not just for the voting leak but for a door-stop presser before the final trying to encourage calm and ended with Angelina Mango singing "Imagine". Ireland reigns supreme though with the boss move the day before the final where Bambie Thug through the press area wearing a keffiyeh and carrying a watermelon. If the toxicity was killing them, they were not going to show it, not yet. Since the event Bambie Thug has joined the chorus saying "Fuck he EBU", and rightfully so. If the EBU will not ensure a safe environment for all the artists to work then they are failing and fvck them. And the EBU could have sorted out this Toxic environment last year by simply banning Israel from competing. I hope they do better in Switzerland. If not we will have to send for Bambie Thug to put a hex on the EBU. If it was this hectic for the fans to follow, I cannot imagine what it was like for the performers

Artist: Mae Muller

Song: I Wrote a Song

Currently with bookmakers: 9th (40/1-150/1)

Place 2022: Second in the final

Wins: 5 (1967, 1969, 1976, 1981, 1997)



Mae Muller was an internal selection from the BBC and TaP music, who collaborated for the first time last year to select Sam Ryder and earning the UK's highest place since 1998 when they also finished second. 1998 was also the last time Eurovision was hosted by the UK, like this year. and the home crowd will be 'egging her on' like Prince Charles is.

I Wrote a Song is a similar theme to Solo, the Polish song, however as a song I Wrote a Song is executed better. one of the songwriters, Karen Poole has written from a lot of names and the other (with Mae Muller), Lewis Thompson has ben nominated for a Brit Award. what they have given us is a summer dance party riff that will be intermingled with better songs for holiday partiers. It is not going to do as well as last year. 

The UK has been at Eurovision since almost the beginning and after a decade of just participating they finally got a win with a song that is lyrically problematic now. A great Eurovision song though
 

 

Song: Promise

Currently with bookmakers: 16th* (100/1-250/1)

Place 2022: 15th in the final

Wins: 0


Voyager should have been Australia's Eurovision entry in 2022 with Dreamer, however the jury stole the vote and Sheldon Riley won Australia decides by 3 points after the televote was capped and rounded, but the Jury vote was not. In an attempt to make up for the blatant disregard for public opinion, Voyager were internally selected to be Australia's reprehensive for 2023, which is probably going to be the last time we grace the Eurovision stage as a country so we had to make it big and this song promises to be just that

Promise is a grower. The more you hear it the more the 80s the more it completes the song. There are elements in the song that are standard, including a small passage that sounds like it is out of Sweden's Winner Heroes from 2015, but there is nothing original in Eurovision. This song is still a cracker, though Dreamer was better.

 

Song: Solo

Currently with bookmakers: 21st*(200/1-500/1)

Place 2022: 12th in the final

Wins: 0



Blanka and her entry to Eurovision has been the subject of accusation of cronyism in Poland with accusations two jury members, including the jury chair were associated with Blanka and the heavy use of her song to promote Tu bije serce Europy! Wybieramy hit na Eurowizję!, the Polish national selection. The the fan favourite Jann had 3 times the televote of Blanka. Multiple petitions were launched to change the result, but nothing changed and we still have Bland Blanka Solo. 




Solo is a fairly middle of the road popsong and despite reaching #1 in Lithuania nothing about it stands out. The performance at Eurovision will probably be equally as middle of the road with lots of strutting, grinding and twerking in lieu of actually dancing. Even if this makes the final, there it will come against more polished popsongs with actual dance routines which will leave this middle to the bottom of the road, in the gutter somewhere. 

Poland finished second in their first Eurovision and have never replicated that success, they have not even made the top 5. Their next highest is 7th which they reached in 2003 with Ich Troje with a ballad for the ages

 

Song: What they Say

Currently with bookmakers: 29th* (200/1-750/1)

Place 2022: 8th in the final

Wins: 1, 2005



Victor Vernicos is the youngest entrant Greece has ever sent to Eurovision at sweet 16, but he will still get 12 points from Cyprus. He was selected from an internal shortlist that went from 7 to 3 and then the three was put to too juries, and artistic one that preferred young Victor, and the public committee which preferred Melissa Mantzoukis. Strangely, though the public committee was meant to be over 50% of the vote, they handed out over 400 points less than the Artistic committee, as a result  Melissa Mantzoukis is suing the national broadcaster and that case will be heard after Eurovision where Victor performs. 

What they say has elements of Mumford and Son's, who are honoured with imitations every Eurovision, and maybe some Coldplay. It is a rather mumble-y song and with only about 25 seconds to grab the audience before they are bored and take a toilet break the early mumbles are bad. This probably won't qualify unless countries other than Cyprus gives it points. 

Despite only winning one Eurovision in almost 50 years, Greece has come a long way since 1974 where they had the worlds happiest backing singer. At least the lead singer seemed happy

Artist: Noa Kirel

Song: Unicorn

Currently with bookmakers: 7th (20/1-50/1)

Place 2022: 13th of 18 in Semi final 2

Wins: 4 1978, 1979, 1998, 2018

Noa Kirel was announced as the Israeli artist for Eurovision 2023 2 months after Eurovision 2022 however it appears the Israeli Public Broadcasting Corporation (Kan) had not checked with her about this. It would be another month before she confirmed she would go to Eurovision for Israel, she then co-wrote a song with amongst others Doron Medalie, who co-wrote Israel's last Eurovision winner, Toy, for Eurovision 2023 as well as two other Eurovision entries for Israel (2 if you include the one he wrote for the cancelled 2020 contest), and one for Georgia. 

Unicorn starts off as a powerful pop track but then ends in a mess. It is like they didn't know how to end it so they changed the song and changed it again then terminated it. If the end was no so munted it would be top 10. it has elements that are similar to Ireland's entry from last year, which itself had had borrowed from the last 15 years of pop music. There is nothing new in Eurovision though. 

In 1977 Israel sent Janice from the muppets to Eurovision to sing another song which sounded like it was two songs mooshed in together that then lead to a nationalistic anthem musically. Israeli songs improved from here.