shadowings

1. They got the AC fixed at work! The guy was already working on it when I got there and he seemed to get it fixed pretty quickly. Everyone else in the office was very excited about it not being so hot, too.

2. I finished up the second of the Star Wars movie poster puzzles.

These really are fun little puzzles, though I will be glad to move on to something a bit more challenging once these are done.

3. Carla arrived safe and sound in Wisconsin this afternoon. Unfortunately the AC was not working well on the train, which is not what you want for an almost two day journey during the height of summer, but at least it wasn't fully off, just spotty in the rooms while still being nice and cool in the hallway. And now she's in the hot, muggy midwest, but at least her aunt and uncle's house has AC.

4. There is a new yuzu green tea from my favorite bottled green tea brand (Itoen's Oi Ocha series) and it's on sale at work through today. I only noticed it today at lunch when I bought a bottle for myself, so I bought a case (12 bottles) before I went home, so I could have them to bring for lunch. When I just buy a drink here or there I don't always use my employee discount as I always use the self-checkout and don't always have my badge with me to scan, but if I make a larger purchase I always make sure to, so I got the employee discount (which is only 10% but better than nothing) plus the sale price.

5. Jasper loves hanging out on this box in my closet lately. If I can't find him, this is always the first place I look!

torachan

1. My stomach felt almost as bad this morning when I woke up, but once I got going, I started to feel a lot better, and it wasn't like yesterday where I'd feel better for a while but then anything I ate would make me feel worse again. Not quite 100% but mostly back to normal.

2. There was another ant invasion this morning, though not nearly as bad as yesterday. I was worried that despite my precautions and clean up this morning, I might come home to more after work, since yesterday we had both been home during the day to monitor any scouts and keep things from snowballing, but with Carla out of town, there's no one to keep an eye out during the day. But the diatomaceous earth I put down this morning seems to have been enough and there were no ants in the kitchen this evening and only a couple in the dining room near where they had been coming in. So hopefully I won't wake up to ants again tomorrow.

3. When I first moved offices last year, the area I was in was the coldest in the whole building, but then they made some change and it was the warmest. It was tolerable for the winter and spring, but it's really bad now and I was just sweltering at my desk this afternoon. I put in a request to the facility maintenance department and they said they will get it looked at ASAP so fingers crossed they can get it to a more reasonable temperature.

4. Look at this sweetie girl.

torachan

1. Woke up to a huge ant invasion in the dining room/kitchen this morning, which was not fun to clean up, but they seem to be staying away so far. Fingers crossed!

2. I have been having really bad stomach issues since yesterday afternoon and I am not sure what the original trigger was. In the evening I did have gyoza and the brand was garlickier than the one we usually get, so that definitely aggravated it, but nothing I ate earlier in the day should have affected me like that. D: I have been feeling really bleh all day because of it (and ended up working from home) but it has been a reminder that even with all my stomach issues, it's so much better than it was when I first developed them. I used to feel like this all the time and now it's really rare. I just hope this passes soon. :-/

3. I got Carla packed off on the train to Chicago this evening. She is going to be gone for a couple weeks to visit family.

4. This morning I went to Sidecar for donuts as they have a new summer menu, including one that is only available on Mondays. The Monday only one is a peanut butter filled malasada with raspberry icing. It was really good but not so much that I feel I need to plan a trip specifically on a Monday. I also got one of their other summer ones, a chocolate cake donut with potato chip streusel. The streusel was super good but I wasn't that into the donut itself. Carla got a passionfruit filled one that she was super happy with, so I'm going to try that one at some point for sure.

5. I love this picture so much. The randomly outstretched arm! His grumpy little face!

torachan

1. When we went to Costco a week or so ago, we hadn't realized we were out of the shredded rotiserie chicken that we like to keep on hand (it comes in a huge package, but we just divide it up in small portions and keep it in the freezer to thaw when needed), so we went again this morning and got some, so now I can make another chicken salad for my lunches this week.

2. We also got an unplanned purchase, a box of fancy flavor macarons. The flavors are black tea, passion fruit and chocolate, black currant, strawberry vanilla, lime raspberry mint, raspberry, and apple cinnamon. We had a few tonight after dinner and they are so good! So far tried the tea, passion fruit, and black currant, but I'm looking forward to the rest.

3. I finished another puzzle today, just two days after the last because this was a 300 piece one.

A while back, Carla bought a Star Wars multi-pack, which has three 300 piece poster style puzzles for the original trilogy, and one 500 piece one of a lightsaber battle between Vader and Luke. The posters are really nice but definitely below my level now, so they'll go quickly (though maybe more than two days each for the others if it's work days).

4. Molly is such a sweetie. She was on my desk chair for a while this afternoon, so I did other things and let her have it, then when I was finished with all those things, I decided to lie down on the bed and read so she could keep the chair a bit longer, but a couple minutes after I lay down, she came over and joined me on the bed. :)

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

DEAR ABBY: I've been a widow for nine years and just got engaged. When I asked my fiance if I could put a picture of my late husband in our new home, he became upset. He said he shouldn't have to walk into his own home and look at pictures of a man who once "had" me.

I have three kids with my late husband. We were high school sweethearts, and I took his death extremely hard. I can't help but think that my fiance is overreacting. I feel he wants me to just erase everything I had with my husband.

My kids will be living with us, too. Should I respect his wishes, or should I stand my ground and make sure my late husband's memory is alive for the sake of my children? -- REMEMBERING IN AMERICAN SAMOA

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: My spouse is unable to say "Oops, sorry." He automatically denies having done the thing or blames me or my son – even if he literally just did it in front of me/us.

It's been an issue for decades. We first went to counseling because he left a shower head pointing at a weird angle, so water got all over the wall and floor when I turned on the shower. He saw me mopping up and asked why, and I matter-of-factly told him he'd left the shower head pointing out of the shower. I expected a "Whoops! Sorry about that." (Which would have resolved everything instantly.)

Instead, he took a snippy tone and asked, "Why didn't you check the position of the shower head before you turned on the water?"

Over the years, this pattern has recurred. Recently, he wasn't flushing the toilet regularly. I asked him nicely not to leave number-twos behind for me to find, and he responded with an aggressive "You don't know that it was me!" (I had just seen him leave the bathroom.)

I have repeatedly tried asking him to remain calm and explaining that this behavior causes me to lose respect for him and that it damages our relationship. I have explained DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to him.

Counselors have in the past put the onus on me to preface any negative feedback with a request that he not rile up. Which works pretty well, assuming I have enough emotional presence of mind to pre-regulate him as I am also regulating myself.

Help! This affects me cumulatively. Every time he does it, I feel angrier.

– “The Divorce Came out of Nowhere"

( Read more... )

torachan

1. It's grape season again! There was a stall at the farmers market this morning selling like ten different types of grapes. They offer a discount if you buy three packages, so I got the three I liked best.

2. Yesterday I kept thinking it was Saturday, so it's a nice feeling to have Saturday again and still have one more day until the work week starts.

3. Look at these cuties!

torachan

Recently Finished
An Unwelcome Guest
and Death at the Workhouse
Books 7 and 8 in the Penny Green series. It seems like a lot of the series I discover tend to be just starting out, but this one has already ended a few years ago and there are twelve books total, so I can just zip through them all lol.

Method of Revenge
Second in the Spencer & Reid series which I started last week. I'm doing both this and the Penny Green series as audiobooks (as I do almost all of these mystery series) and had to wait for a hold on one of the Penny Green ones, so went back to this series in the meantime. I am kind of dreading the next one, though, because this ended on a big cliffhanger regarding the backstory/interpersonal relationships/budding romance between the two main characters, and I am annoyed to think that might overshadow the mystery in the next book.

Trad Wife
There are a lot of books with similar titles that all came out recently, but this one is about a trad wife influencer (or rather wannabe influencer) who moves out to the middle of nowhere with her asshole husband and finds a creepy well in the field behind their house. Should you wish to get pregnant at a creepy well in the field behind your house? Probably not, but she does, with unsurprising consequences. This was fine.

The Inheritance of Shame
A memoir by a gay man who got sucked into a therapy based cult as a young adult. In his specific instance there was an element of conversion therapy among the other stuff his therapist was "treating" him for, but the group wasn't specifically about conversion therapy. The memoir also incorporates a lot of his family history regarding his parents, who both escaped different communist countries post WWII, and how their trauma was passed down to their children.

Fitting Indian
YA graphic novel about an Indian American girl struggling with depression and self harm. I liked this.

A Pillbug Story
Very cute graphic novel about anthropomorphic insects.

Cinema Panopticum
Text-less graphic novel with five separate short stories and a framing device of a young girl viewing each of them at a fair. Really great art. The stories were just all right.

torachan

1. We had a very nice morning at Disneyland today. Got there before the park even opened, which we haven't done in quite a while, and it was nice to enjoy the lack of crowds. And we successfully went on the new Soarin' Across America without having to stand in a long line.

2. I finished up a puzzle today. This one was definitely on the tougher side. 1000 pieces and it's got a lot of odd shaped ones, plus it's just a very busy and whimsical image. I love the art, though, and it was very fun to work on.

3. Last year the city didn't have a fireworks show and I just realized they didn't have one this year, either (it's usually the weekend before 4th of July). I just googled and it seems that they have cancelled it permanently due to lack of funding. It was held at the college across the street from us, so it was always super loud and bothered the cats and Carla, so I'm glad they're not doing it anymore.

4. Jasper is such a handsome boy!

torachan

We had originally planned to go Sunday morning, but decided to change our reservation to today in hopes that it was less crowded as the main thing we wanted to do today was go on the new version of Soarin', Soarin' Across America.

( Read more... )

torachan

1. There was an employee appreciation luncheon at work for HQ employees today. They'd sent out a survey beforehand saying they were going to get catering from somewhere (I don't remember if they mentioned a name and I forgot or never mentioned it) and what types of sandwiches and desserts did we want. I totally forgot what I had requested, but apparently it was roast beef and chicken salad for the sandwiches and a lemon bar for dessert. The sandwiches were tiny (like the size of a dinner roll) and it came with salad and grapes as well as the dessert. It was more than I might usually eat for lunch, but I usually eat lunch around eleven and this was originally scheduled for twelve, but the caterers were late so it was after one when the food finally got there and I was definitely hungry enough lol. It was pretty tasty, though.

2. It's the start of another long weekend! Since 4th of July is on a Saturday, tomorrow is our in lieu day, so it will be a three day weekend. It was nice having only three work days this week.

3. I hadn't had reason to use the throttle mode on my new bike (fully motor powered mode, no need to pedal), but Carla mentioned using it for a hill yesterday so I was curious how to do it if I wanted to, and could not for the life of me figure it out, despite comparing all the settings on our bikes. Since I don't usually have any destination for my afternoon bike rides, I just decided to go down to the shop where we bought them today and see if they could help me figure it out, and they did! I doubt I will use it much if at all, but now I've got the settings turned on so I can use it if I need to.

4. Got a new box for Chloe in the mail.

torachan

Having decided that we didn't need another Disney day, we had one last free day before our return trip and decided to go to the Ueno zoo.

( Zoo, Pokemon Center (finally), and the trip home )

Well, it has taken me two and a half months to write up this entire trip, working on both editing the photos and writing the text bit by bit every day, but now I have finally come to the end!

torachan

1. When we were in Japan we saw this soda/energy drink called Nope that was just everywhere. Considering how many shops we went into, we probably saw it 50+ times, often in huge displays up near the register. I was curious about it as I'd never heard of it before, but we never ended up trying it because its whole thing is that it has a lot of caffeine and a lot of carbonation, neither of which I want more of. But when we got home, Carla regretted not having tried it, so I kept my eye out to see if we would be importing it, and finally this week it was on the shelves! I got a bottle just to try out and I have to say, I really liked the flavor. It says on the bottle, fruit and spice, and that's what I got (not spicy as in capsaicin). I won't be buying it again despite really liking the flavor as I'm trying to get away from basically everything about it (not just caffeine and carbonation, but soda in general) but I'm glad I got to try it.

2. Our electric company has a rate plan where you can get lower rates during off peak hours if you have an EV or other qualifying appliance, so I went ahead and put in a request for that.

3. Look at that Ollie butt! He loves that perch so much, even though it's a little small for him. That just makes it cozy!

newredshoes

I find myself feeling like if I don't Make Something, I'm gonna burst. It makes me especially determined to unpack all my framed art, because this living space is delightfully, delicately purple and sunny and not very much else, and that's rough on the ol' emotions factory. In theory, I could spend the next few days (slow at work and should remain so, fingers crossed) doing just that, because it's literally too hot to commute. My problem is I keep despairing at Bluesky (not a worthy use of my time!!!) because there is just rancid and depressing antisemitism all over that place and no one but other Jews seems willing to engage with it. Which, fine! A while back, I pledged that I was going to try and keep that mental space light. Unfortunately, the world follows us wherever we go.

It has been a good month, though! A month? It seems!

adiva_calandia was here and it was RAD AS HELL to hang out all day! After two years of saying I should glut myself on it again, I am rewatching my beloved Buddhist rural horror show Bulgasal: Immortal Souls and finding new reasons to love it even harder. New kdramas that have been treating me exceedingly well, for those of you who have Netflix, are Phantom Lawyer (unemployed attorney is accidentally a shaman too, opening up a whole new realm of clients) and My Royal Nemesis (Joseon-era villain transmigrates into the present and loves everything about it, including her reincarnated but cantankerous-to-clingy crush).

Thursday/Friday/Saturday I got to be part of our on-air pledge drive team, which was super fun, even if it meant coming into the office two extra days, including over the weekend. My workplace softball team has lost every game but we're still having a great time. OH. The union came through in a huge way and I was able to zero out the horrible payment plans that were leaving me in debt just feeding myself each month, so now I can actually consider enjoying my summer! My birthday is in 10 days and I have the day off but no idea what I should do with it or what kind of get-together I should throw, but I'll get there. I just treated myself to some fabulous finds from my favorite fun shop that's online and that I also trust, but I'm strongly tempted by one of these babies in both the purple and the snakes print.

It's, you know????? My therapy slot got moved from Friday mornings when my schedule finally shucked off that horrid 2-10 shift, so now it's after work tonight and I am raring to talk about my depressing stuff there. I've been especially touch-hungry and hopeful, which I can definitely track throughout the month, but a hot guy was nice to me in the outfield on Monday night and that was all it took to get real up in my feelings about Being Alooooooone. Rather than write about that here, because I have more than 20 years of locked posts on the subject, I may start taking things out of boxes. For the metaphor, and also so I can live among my freaking excellent art again! ✶

Current Music: "Seven Nation Army," The White Stripes (for some reason)

magid posting in

agonyaunt

A member of my staff has asked that we change their name and their pronouns to they/them. We have done that without question, of course, and have delivered training to colleagues. It is not up for negotiation. We honor this request in our company.

As a part of this, they also have adjusted how they refer to themselves, using “we” rather than “I” and asking us to refer to them as a collective rather than a single being. They base this on identifying with the Internal Family Systems Model and feeling they have multiple personalities within them. They refer to personality traits with names and assign responsibility to these personalities for mood, attitude, and work habits. They DO take responsibility for these things personally and are receptive to feedback—they accept and integrate and work on improving skills. In conversations about issues, though, they refer to that being X person’s influence or that Y just isn’t online today, that sort of thing.

This person is not, as far as I can tell, under the care of a mental health professional.

I am not a psychiatrist. I do not play one on TV. And I am not about to pretend I know what’s going on here from a mental health perspective.

What I do know is that when a person refers to themselves as “we,” the vast majority of people understand that to mean more than one person. And, when the person sometimes speaks on behalf of an company or group (but most times do not) people receiving any “we” will, understandably, assume that person is talking about their whole team, department, or company.

This has obvious impacts. They are on vacation and they’re out of office says, “We are on vacation.” They report about a project and they say “we accomplished X.” They are out sick and so, “We are out of the office today.” Does that mean only they are? Is their entire team out? Is the whole department on vacay? Do we celebrate an accomplishment of one person or the whole team?

It is very important to me that I honor the (be it harmless or legally required) requests of the people around me when it comes to their identities and needs. It costs nothing to be kind!

But, this is having a negative impact on others and I cannot take care of one person’s needs while diminishing another’s.

So, what is the right thing to do here? How can I honor the needs of the team for clarity and understanding?

Do I ask this person to use “I” while honoring their “they?”

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Good Job,

I am a college staff member who works adjacent to a faculty member. He seems to go out of his way to annoy me: He loudly drums on his desk; he asks me to “fetch” office supplies for him; he walks into my office to rummage around for things he needs; he believes (as many faculty seem to do) that staff don’t need to attend training or meetings as part of their work; he insists on interrupting my Zoom meetings; and until another employee intervened, Professor So-and-so would call me at midnight or 6 a.m. to ask questions that he could easily Google.

He really angered me today when I had a sign on my door stating, “I am in a Zoom meeting from 11 a.m. to noon. Please do not disturb.”

He knocked on my door for several minutes. He said, very loudly, “I keep knocking, and I hear her in the office, but she doesn’t answer. Perhaps I should call the police to do a wellness check.” When the other person pointed out the sign, he replied, “She needs to drop what she is doing and do her job. I need her help right now.” What was so urgent? He had a question about something that will happen next week; it could have waited and been sent in an email.

What got my goat, though, was that he told a student to knock on my door. I finally excused myself from the Zoom meeting and opened the door to find a student knocking loudly. I pointed to the sign and said, “Do not disturb. I’m in a meeting.” He said, “It’s OK. Professor So-and-so said I needed to knock really loud until you answered so you would get back to work.”

I’m not sure how to discourage this repeated bad behavior. My boss does nothing. Human resources does nothing. His disrespect is contagious; now several others are also demanding I “get back to work” when I am in a meeting or on my way to a training session. I dread going to work each day. It’s a vacation when this person isn’t in the office.

—Zoom Interrupted

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

I am the eldest of three middle-aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young, and both were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her, and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years and speak to her roughly once a month.

Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don’t think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation, almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother? — Name Withheld

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months. He was married for 45 years until his wife died after a five-year illness. He is kind, thoughtful, smart, generous and romantic. Our relationship is exclusive, and things could hardly be better.

Recently, he and one of his grown daughters and her family gathered for dinner to commemorate his wedding anniversary. I thought it was a little strange. She has been gone for two years, and I found myself feeling somewhat hurt. I wasn't invited to the dinner, which doesn't bother me, but I can't escape the feeling that, on some level, he still feels married. Accordingly, I feel as though I'm dating a married man, which I would never do.

As we are not able to easily work through this, he suggested I write you and get your take. Am I being unreasonable and reading too much into this? Is it possible that he is not yet ready for a new relationship? Should I request (or insist) that he refrain from such "celebrations" in the future? -- NOT A CHEATER IN INDIANA

( Read more... )

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced father of a 27-year-old daughter. I recently found out she is being married in four months. Of course, I couldn't be happier.

I told my daughter that although I am not rich by any means, I would be glad to chip in what I could for her wedding. When I asked if I could invite a few friends and their spouses, she said I could, but I would have to pay for their plates. I was shocked. What do I do or say? -- DISAPPOINTED DAD IN NEW JERSEY

( Read more... )

denise posting in

dw_maintenance

Folks may have noticed that the site has been slow for logged-out users over the last while. This is partly because we separate traffic by logged-in, "logged out but have visited the site before", and "logged out, never visited the site before" and assign the fewest resources to the last category (because we're pretty confident the overwhelming majority of it is bot and scraper traffic, even if it's often impossible to say for sure). The flood of garbage traffic is a plague and a scourge the entire internet is dealing with, and it's hitting small sites the hardest as operators get better and better at cloaking their requests to look like real, authentic use. We long ago hit the point where adding more resources is a possible solution (because they just eat them up as soon as we do), and splitting traffic lets us keep the site usable for our actual users without wasting too much server power on garbage.

We've now, lucky us, reached the point where the "logged out, have never visited the site before" path is just flooded all the time, and the "logged out but have visited the site before" path is suffering some of the overflow. We've made some changes to the routing to try to improve things for logged out users who have visited the site before and keep it at "it may be a little bit slow, but at least it works" instead of "it keeps timing out", and we've seen some improvements, but if you're accustomed to browsing the site while logged out, I'm really sorry but it may continue to be a little miserable.

You will get the fastest page loads and the best performance by browsing the site logged in. If you are having trouble loading the front page to log in, bookmark the direct login page. We can't route the front page to the "more power" server pool, because it's a common target for garbage traffic, but we've switched /login over to "more power" and we'll try to keep it there as long as we can unless it starts getting slammed, too.

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shadowings

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2026 Disneyland Trip #29 (7/3/26)

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2026 Japan Trip Part 7 (4/14-15)

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From the Queen of England to the hounds of Hell

employee wants to use “we” when referring to themselves

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