Cloud

First I was completely wiped out by finals, a holiday fandom challenge, and holiday events with my family all in a row.

Then my laptop stopped working.

I'm alive and have revived my dad's old laptop and am using that for now, hopefully I will be posting again soon. I'm hoping to continue my Bloodborne fic, and maybe start a new one with some slightly experimental PoV shenanigans.

one of the things i really love about games like bloodborne is how much thought gets put into everything, and the closer you look, the more you notice it. today i'm going to talk about quite possibly the most central part of bloodborne's gameplay: its weapons

something i think is really really cool is that there's a very clear timeline and progression, and you can see how the weapons influenced each other.

chronologically, i believe the first weapon to be invented (besides the beast claws, which don't really count) was the chikage, a katana. its transformation is based on blood magic, not mechanics, and the context around it gives the impression of a long and storied history. then we get the rakuyo, a much more technical version of the chikage that's actually a twinblade. here we see the first mechanical transformation, and it's also the simplest: the two blades are just pulled apart and wielded separately.

after that, we have the burial blade. like the previous two, it's a curved sword. but unlike the previous two, both sides of the blade are sharpened, so it can be mechanically connected to a long pole and used as a scythe.

once gehrman's established himself with the burial blade, things start to branch out a bit. this is the era where we get the beasthunter saif, which looks a whole lot like the burial blade but folds in on its handle like an axe rather than separating from it. there's also the beast cutter, a sort of club-whip-thing.

after this there's a sort of split between the powder keg hunters and the saw hunters, representing a greater awareness of the two main weaknesses of beasts: fire and serrated blades. both of these make sense! fire can cauterize wounds, and serrated weapons can draw a lot of blood (which is what gives the beasts their power).

the weapons of this era were increasingly brutal (with one major exception that i'll get to later). see the boom hammer and stake driver from the powder kegs, and the saw cleaver/spear (based off the beasthunter saif, with added serration) and whirligig saw from the saw hunters. note that while the powder kegs were eventually disbanded, the saw hunters seem to have mostly continued in tandem with what came next.

but at some point the hunt was no longer hidden, and the healing church started making weapons that looked more heroic, less visceral. ludwig's holy blade and the kirkhammer are both highly practical, complex mechanically yet simple to use, and look like the kind of thing you'd see a gentle savior wielding. the church pick is a less obviously "grim reaper-coded" burial blade (also imo the church pick is The most underrated weapon in the game). the threaded cane is probably the clearest embodiment of the church's hypocrisy: an elegant, dignified cane which hides a serrated whip. it's hard to overlook the historical connotations of whipping and the implicit power imbalance that comes with it... and the serration only makes it more vicious. plus, it's a clear descendant of the beast cutter, one of the most brutal weapons in the game.

that brings us to the present day at the start of the game, where most of the hunters still active are either saw hunters (mostly older) and church hunters (mostly younger, probably).

okay now let's get to the things that were hard to fit into a coherent timeline!

the tonitrus was probably invented around the same time as the powder keg weapons, but never really got off the ground, likely because bolt damage wouldn't really be useful to those fighting beasts... after all, bolt is usually effective against kin, who the healing church is actively attempting to court the favor of/turn themselves into!

speaking of kin, a lot of people think they're weak to thrust. this is a misconception. a lot of kin are weak to thrust, but a lot aren't (garden of eyes, rom, research hall patients). the kin associated with the choir and upper cathedral ward tend to be, which makes sense, since ebrietas is weak to thrust and they appear to be drawn from her. plus, they tend to give off the impression of being... full of liquid, for lack of a better way to phrase it.

now for one of the more interesting bits! the reiterpallasch is a cainhurst weapon that combines a fencing sword with a gun, and it's as cool as it sounds. it was primarily used by the cainhurst knights, who were their society's equivalent to the hunters (the royal guards were the ones assassinating yharnam hunters, i go into more detail on my tumblr). of course, knowledge of the weapon was lost with the massacre at cainhurst.

now here's the exception i mentioned earlier in the powder keg section! the rifle spear is explicitly stated to be an attempt by the powder kegs to recreate the reiterpallasch. they certainly added their own flair to it, though! the rifle spear is less elegant, but more versatile, requiring less skill from the player, and of course its gun is a shotgun blast rather than a graceful pistol.

and i'm only scratching the surface here! there's so much detail in this game.

edit: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT THE BLADES OF MERCY

the blades of mercy are a single shortsword which can be split in two. they're used by the hunters of hunters, the people who do the job no one else wants to. they're the ones who find hunters who are starting to lose themselves to bloodlust, and kill them before they kill their families. everyone knows it's necessary... i doubt they have many friends.

the job of a hunter of hunters requires grace, precision, compassion tempered by a selfless willing to stay out of the spotlight and do the necessary dirty work, and above all, ironclad self-control. sound familiar?

i think there's a really good chance the blades of mercy were inspired by the rakuyo.

I've been running D&D 5e off-and-on for about five years. I'd grown very attached to the system, and had a very strong intuitive understanding of its balance and mechanics (to the point where, if you gave me two hours to spin up a homebrew subclass that was balanced, I could probably do it). But when the whole OGL fiasco happened last year, I decided to give Pf2e a look, since I'd seen so many people recommending it.

From the player side of things, the two systems seemed pretty even to me. There were strong pros and cons to each. After consulting my players, I eventually decided to switch my upcoming-at-the-time Eberron game to PF2e, as due to Paizo's commitment to open-source rules, VTT integration would be much easier.

When I actually started running the game, however, well...

(the gif of that cat with a flower being put on its head was supposed to go here, but it broke my formatting)

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When I was very young I trained myself not to cry, because crying made my throat hurt.

This was the start of a pattern. Well, maybe no the start, but the first thing I remember. Emotions are troublesome, often painful, and generally a nuisance.

I am just now beginning to wrestle with the ramifications of this decision.

Because trying to not feel anything too strongly is... while not actively destructive, probably not very healthy, either. I often feel as though I am not entirely present in the world, like I am observing but not a full part of it, like I am something other than human.

I'm trying, now, to let myself feel. To sit in the emotion and let it wash over me, pass through me, rather than trying to ignore or hide from it. It's hard. I've conditioned myself to flinch away from it like a hot pan.

We'll see how that goes.

So this one might get a bit personal. Content warning for some discussion of ableism in the horror genre, which I am far from the first person to discuss, but I did want to get out my thoughts on my own personal relationship to it.

I don't talk about it much, but I have developed some mysterious neurological issues (that are NOT life-threatening, I've talked to a doctor about it and I am not in danger). I won't go into too much detail, but the most notable part is that it causes me to temporarily lose the ability to willingly move part of my body, among other things. And, well... it's caused me to notice just how many "monsters" in horror rely on the imagery of neuro problems to make them "scary". A stumbling/shuffling gait, twitching/spasms, an immobile/drooping face, slurred/monotone speech... you get the point. All well and good for an able-bodied, neurotypical audience. But all of a sudden when you have these traits, whether from neurodivergence or some neurological medical condition, you see these monsters and go, "Oh, I do that. Oh, my friend does that."

Now don't get me wrong. Neurological problems can be incredibly scary. When I had my first couple episodes I was terrified. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh, I now completely understand why the idea of supernatural possession keeps coming up throughout history, because if I didn't know what I do about the nervous system, I'd think there's something trying to take over my body". And I'm one of the lucky ones. My condition, whatever it is, doesn't affect my cognition and doesn't seem to be progressive.

But at the same time... this is just life, for me, and for so many other people. And it kind of stings to see the signifiers of the real problems that we have, that make our lives harder, be used to signal to the audience that "This creature is dangerous". That the scariest thing about this seems to be how it looks to other people.

Anyway, let's talk about Bloodborne.

Bloodborne is a horror game, and while it is very much not immune to the ableism that plagues the genre, it does make some very notable steps forward. For example: there's a character you meet pretty early on named Gehrman, who has an amputated leg (with a simple wooden prosthetic) and uses a wheelchair. At the very end of the game, he stands up for an interaction with the player character. A lot of people seem to have been shocked by this, because apparently a lot of people seem to not realize that a wheelchair is not just useful for people who have been paralyzed. A person like Gehrman, who is a combat veteran and lost a leg, probably finds it very uncomfortable and/or tiring to stand and walk for long periods of time, even if he is physically capable of doing so. A wheelchair is a very reasonable choice in such a situation!

The character I really want to talk about, though, is Saint Adeline.

Saint Adeline shows up for the first time in the DLC, in an area called the Research Hall: a massive medical science facility built inside a clocktower. Apparently, during the heyday of the Healing Church, this facility was used to try to discover a way to ascend humanity to godhood. It's full of patients who seem, at first, to be perfect examples of the "scary disabled person" trope. They shuffle, and twitch, and their heads are covered by cloth bags and seem to be swollen underneath, and they're aggressive...

...Well, not all of them are aggressive.

Scattered throughout the Research Hall are a number of patients who are non-aggressive, and many will even talk to you. One of the most memorable moments of the game for me was when I climbed down a ladder into a pitch-black room, fully expecting to be ambushed and killed near-instantly. Instead, I found myself surrounded by patients lying on cots, who weren't attacking, just... pleading.

Ahh, Lady Maria, Lady Maria. Please. Take my hand. Please. Help me... don't let me drown...

The portrayal of the Research Hall patients is not without its issues, but the reframing of the horror from what they look like to you, to what the experience is like to them, goes a long way. And no patient gets as much screentime and focus as Saint Adeline.

You find her just before opening up the shortcut back to the nearest checkpoint. Her room becomes a place of safety and respite. She's strapped to a chair, an IV needle in her arm, and rocks and twitches just like most of the other patients. But she seems to be the most lucid out of them, and is quite talkative. At first she thinks you're the Lady Maria many of the other patients seem to adore, but quickly realizes that you're someone else. She asks you for a favor, and if you help her out, she'll give you vials of her own more potent blood just like several other characters throughout the game.

Most importantly, Adeline is one of maybe... four? characters in the entire game who is never rude or cruel to you, never tries to kill you, and isn't manipulating you for her own ends. While she does ask a favor, there's no deception or coercion in it. She's gentle, and kind, and tries to help you however she can. The fact that this character who seems to fit so many of the ableist horror tropes is such a genuine, well-rounded, and kindhearted character means a lot to me.

Furthermore, there's some implication that the player isn't the only person who cared deeply about her. If you continue to help her, she says this:

Thank you, thank you so much. You have saved me. Take this charm. Lady Maria gave it to me, but it is all I can offer, other than my own blood. Please, do not abandon me... I promise to do good...

She then gives you a key, the description of which reads as follows:

Key to the balcony on the first floor of the Research Hall.

Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower gave this to the patient, Adeline. Maria had hoped Adeline would find comfort in the faint breeze that carried the scent of flowers from the outside, but Adeline couldn't fathom her intentions.

Lady Maria isn't just a caretaker. She's one of THE most important characters in the entire game, up there with Laurence and Gehrman in terms of influence on the plot and world. Her boss fight is among the most cinematic and heartbreaking I've ever seen (if you don't care about spoilers, here is probably my favorite playthrough of the fight, though it skips the cutscene at the beginning.) She's tragic, well-intentioned, memorable, dignified... and she cared about Adeline.

(Maybe even loved her. The key isn't the only evidence for that.)

The fact that this character, who has all these traits that would cause her to be a monster in most other horror out there, is kind, helpful, and loved means so much to me. I am so glad that Saint Adeline exists.

You know when a boss has That One Attack that you just cannot figure out what to do against, and it kills you every time?

Yeah, for me, that's the Undead Giant's spinning chain attack. This side dungeon boss is harder for me than Ludwig was.

There's another boss that felt similar, and that was Martyr Logarius. For those fortunate souls who have never had to fight him, his second phase starts with him charging a massive shockwave and activating an aura before becoming much more aggressive.

Naturally, I assumed that the long charge-up time was so that you would have time to get away from him. And then I would immediately die after, somehow completely unable to land a single parry. I thought maybe I was just bad at the fight.

Then I looked it up and found out that you're supposed to interrupt the charge-up with a backstab. And the aura he gets when he finishes charging makes him immune to bullets, so he can't be parried after he gets it up.

Took me dozens of tries, but once I learned to backstab him, I killed him immediately. Which felt incredibly anticlimactic.

Anyway, the Undead Giant is significantly more forgivable to me, because while Cainhurst is also optional, it still contains major plot elements, one of the most important characters, ties to and explanations for the backstory of an EVEN MORE important character, and an entire joinable faction. The chalice dungeons... well, let me put it this way. The chalice dungeons are bigger than the entire rest of the game combined, and they have less lore than Cainhurst on its own. Cainhurst is important and relevant, the chalice dungeons are for people who wanted more Bloodborne per Bloodborne.

So my favorite Linux distro is OpenSUSE Tumbleweed. IMO it's one of the best, if not THE best, rolling release distros ever (I'd say on par with Arch and Gentoo, and you'd use each one for different reasons. I don't think they compete directly with each other [I do think a lot of people who are using Arch aren't using it for the right reasons]). The reason it's so great is that there are so many systems in place to help keep your OS stable even when your packages are always being updated to the latest version. One of the main reasons is that the repositories function in a very specific way: there's one massive repository where everything is constantly being updated and run through automated testing, and a stable snapshot is pulled from that repository once per day. So you don't actually update individual packages on Tumbleweed, you just jump straight from one stable snapshot to another. It's a very practical system.

...The problem with this is that because OpenSUSE is a very prominent organization, with direct ties to a major company, it has to be very careful with legal rules. Which means that it can't package a lot of proprietary software such as drivers or media codecs.

Fortunately, the community has its own independent repositories which can be used to fill in the gaps. They even have a program (opi) to automate the entire installation process for you, for everything from media codecs to proprietary browsers.

However, the community repository occasionally falls out-of-sync with the main repository. Or a package will be downgraded in one or the other, or become obsolete, or get moved out of the community repository because it was brought into the main one... etc.

Fortunately, Zypper (OpenSUSE's package manager) comes with a really neat feature that lets it auto-detect package version conflicts, and offer you a handful of options to resolve the conflict. As long as you choose the option that switches the package to the main repositories, you'll usually be fine.

So. Right when I was about to pack up my desktop for college, I performed a system update. And there was a massive tangled knot of package conflicts right in the graphics drivers. I just picked the most reasonable-sounding option at each... I think it was around 10 package conflicts and hoped for the best, fully expecting that my computer would have a completely broken graphics display when I next booted it up. (Another great feature about OpenSUSE: it sets up and maintains BTRFS snapshots for you, so if you mess up an update it's super easy to restore a snapshot from before you did that).

To my relieved surprise, everything seemed to be working fine once I booted the computer at college! Well, except for one thing.

Steam was gone.

All my Steam games were still there, but the Steam app had mysteriously uninstalled itself.

...Then, when I performed another update, the Steam app just reinstalled itself with no fanfare.

I am... confusion.

I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but I'd really like to know what happened there.

First chapter
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Ao3 mirror of this chapter

Summary: The hunter visits Byrgenwerth and gains some insight
Content warnings: Minor character death, minor body horror, unreality

Challenge: spot the geology joke

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Ao3 mirror of this chapter
First chapter
Previous chapter
Next chapter

Chapter summary: The hunter delivers a gift, and makes its degree not completely useless.

Content warning for this chapter: Brief internalized aphobia

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just changed my default icon to fit my theme better. pumpkaboo was my first shiny ever, and it was a completely random encounter, too :3