tedwords

The past two days have been very busy. I think, though, that I will have to stop saying that, because I have yet to encounter a day in retirement that hasn't been packed. 

Wednesday morning we met with a lovely lady named Carolyn Tibbert, who had been helpful with Corb's mom when it came to handling Jim's insane daughter who wanted her booted out of their condo the week after Jim passed away. It's been four years since we last saw her, and it's sad that Corb's mom has yet to resolve the estate, due to that horrible woman. 

Carolyn is helping us with our will and estate planning. It's time to finally do that. It is crazy to me that I spent years doing interviews with folks about the importance of estate planning and yet never actually took the time to get it done for myself. Now, we are getting it done. 

After that, a ton of yard work around the pool, which we are starting to open up. 

I also posted a few 1983 entries onto DW, and I am kind of debating the wisdom of doing so. Part of me really wants to do it so I have my whole life in front of me, digitally accessible. It makes for a great reference tool. Also, I am finding many behaviors that help me better understand my kids. For example, this entry: 

"It was not to be. When I arrived home I was yelled at by my parents and almost didn't get to go out with Joyce. But I staged a real temper tantrum and walked out of the house. Mom was wicked pissed when Dad let me have the car, claiming "the baby got his way." 

When I read that, I messaged Josie and said, "Who does that sound like?" And she immediately said: "Ashes." And then I said, "Who does my dad sound like?" and she said "You!" And then she asked, "Who does your mom sound like?" And we laughed. 

I guess we all kind of repeat family patterns. We're just living in different timelines. 

So this is helpful, but there is another part of me that worries that by doing so, I am reliving past hurts and maybe opening up old wounds that I've been able to heal through the passage of time and finding ways to "talk back." In addition to the Ashes story, I also read a story about Steven's birthday that was really sweet, but two days later, there was yet another entry about how sad and depressed I was and I hated the person I had become. This was the third entry like that, although at least it didn't mention suicide. 

As I recall, it took me quite a bit of work to learn to talk back to that really negative voice that was eating away at me and making me so unhappy. A lot of it was accepting who I was, and I am so grateful to Josie and cognitive therapy for helping me grow and mature. And therapy, a decade later.

I don't want to fall back, though, and while I know I won't, I will say that reading the entries--and typing them up, which reinforces what is being stated--then has echoes within me. It's like reawakening a sleeping beast.

From what I have read, there can be a danger to reliving past traumatic events by revisiting your journal entries. You have to have the right frame of mind to do so. I plan to tread cautiously, because as I said, I do see value, especially for my Queer Birds project. 

***

Thursday morning, we went to Shiplap for a thorough cleaning of the store, which we haven't done since the European vacation. The stores are not selling a ton right now, as a result of the summer and also the World Cup events taking place in Foxboro. It's a good time to move things around, so I switched up a lot of my books, replacing Nancy Drew for Tom Swift in the main area. Selling my books isn't the big priority at the stores, the lighting is, naturally, but I look at what I add as window dressing. Plus, it's fun! 

That night, I went headed to Boston to meet some former Fidelity friends for the retirement party for my friend Jonathan. Jonathan was basically given the ultimatum--the day after my retirement party--to either retire or find another job within Fidelity. He decided to retire but made it clear to everyone that it wasn't his choice; his job was being eliminated. 

This is part of why I am happy I made the decision to leave rather than be asked to leave. It gave me the control. 

His boss was at the party, and he is a huge d...windbag. Tried to ask "insightful" questions to Jonathan's wife about what he is like, and she could barely stand to answer them. He tried to give her a hug as we were leaving and she blocked him before he could. I almost had to sit next to him around the table and frantically found ways to avoid such a fate. 

After the drinks for Jonathan, I went with my friends Kim and Jen and his family out to Smith & Wolenskys for a quick bite. Getting a quick bite at such a busy location on a Thursday night was practically an impossibility. Kim and I were able to negotiate a Caesar salad with jumbo shrimp. Which is a relatively healthy option. 

Huge hugs and promises to reconnect followed. I would love that, as I find JA's wife charming. Both have a love of the musical Chess, and I adore that. 

Kim and I then took the train back home. With the Cups going on, there were a number of Scottish men in kilts and a lot of drunken conversation.

I have had a recurring dry summer cough for the past two days, and it started to get really bad during the dinner and especially on the train ride home. When I started coughing in the train with Kim, at one point, my chest really started to burn and it made me a bit anxious. When I got into the car, the first thing I did was take cough medicine. I also took my BP when I got home and it was quite high, but that may have been because of the cough meds plus the fact that I was freaking myself out. 

The next morning, my cough has disappeared, after a good night's sleep. I checked my BP and it was down significantly. I think part of this is that it will be four years on Saturday since I had my HA. What I learned yesterday? That's the same day as my wedding anniversary to Josie. 

I'd rather remember the wedding anniversary, but perhaps there is some irony here.