thedumbopt imist

today we updated the car

i drove to the Honda place n interestingly enough they had donuts for the ppl there
i had one n drank water

they said that it would take untl 2-3 pm (we got there at like 9:30 am)


we went to the mall n did stuff

also we went to best buy n i got a disk reader so i could read my CDs


after that we went to a buffet which was nice

i couldnt manage to eat as much as my dad tho

the food was good

i had a dream that i had too many desks and monitors so everything was messed up on my desk and there was too much stuff and some of the desks even had little kid chairs attached to them

i saw a tweet that was like "people have had this discussion before, youre js 21" and it made me lowk realize that even when i am a legal adult im still gonna be seen as young n talked down to, then again ive done that to people younger than me


ig when im 25 is when i wont really have to hear stuff like that n also when ill be more figured out

tbh i wanna be all figured out now so i dont have to make mistakes and ill know what to do and how to act fully



when i am older, i wont have to rely on others as much; maybe i can go to therapy to fully figure myself out

i may? know myself more
(tbh i have been figuring out my negative traits and im more aware of them)

im also getting better w treating ppl who r younger than me kinder i think


im gonna try more

idk ik that when im an adult ill have more responsibilities but im ok with that if it means ill be more independent and accountable for myself

but that does mean that any mistake i made ill be held accountable for (prolly not 100% the time but ik ill have to be accountable for them in the sense that i cant blame anything else; even in my mind)

idk

idk what being mature even entails


i wish i knew what i was missing in mentality and what makes me immature, i may need to control my emotions more, think before i speak/act more

maybe i needa share less

i remember whenever i used to join a new discord server i used to annoy people by mistake at least one (and it was my bad) nowadays im not really like that
ig learning and growing is a part of life but i dont want every day to be a learning experience

it would get exhausting

ik im gonna have to put in more effort into life
i think thatll be ok-ish cuz ill adapt

maybe i blame other ppl for holding me back when its rlly me being irresponsible

today there was a military picnic thing my dad took me n my bro to

it was alr but i didnt really interact w anyone
i ate SO MUCH food (which is surprising if yk the way i eat at home)

i had a pizza, a burger, and a hot dog


i tried to do pull ups on dome random bar but instead i got my sandals sandy
ngl my lil bro was following me a lot cuz he was bored n i told him to stop cuz it was annoying + stuff from other days

i was sitting on the pavement at some point n a woman who seemed slightly older than me asked if i was alr n i said yeh
im happy she asked NGL


also my dad was trying to look for places to buy turkey wings so he asked me to like find places n call numbers


in the end we ended up js going to the place we usually go to
it had new branding since the last time i went which was cool
i got a milkinis bar from there


for dinner i had noodles

-

oh my dad asked me if i pat ppls backs n i said i dont cuz its not a thing i rlly do n he said his dad also didnt n i said i didnt want to
i feel bad for saying that but it was true idk

i feel like being close w them will only hurt me

man idfk


i watched a video on ego death but it didnt rlly work for me
it talked about thinking about what your next thought will be, which did work for me

it may be cuz i was distracted (cooking noodles) that the rest of the video didn't rlly affect me


also i had a random thought

sometimes nobodys at fault and a situation may still be unideal for u
its an interesting idea to me tbh

i have my driving exam tomorrow (behind the wheel)
pls wish me luck

the fair was mid icl (not cuz of the fair itself)

ive realized that i cant change my family and they r tiring so i should js stop being around them
my lil bro was complaining a lot

i dont rlly regret going cuz now i know this

its tiring to be near them,
theres no benefit, no comfort

just stress

i didnt go on any rides cuz i didnt want my mom to record me nor do i wanna be on rides w my dad or judged

reminds me of how they comment on when me or my lil bro try to sleep in the car

i js want it to not be notable


on the bright side, during the fair i had ice cream!!!
if i wanna do sum like that ever again ill do it alone
...or with my friends ig


happy new month btw!!

pretty alr day icl


went to a birthday party
but i mainly stayed outside the venue cuz idk


i lowk had to watch over sum little kids


it wasnt bad
this one kid jumped up n touched my hair so i got him back but at some point i lowk gave up


the little kids think im hella old lul


oh yeh theres this one that grabs ppl n asks "wuts ur name"
also they know tiktok dances???
there was this park that was near the venue which was closed n the kids wanted to go in but it was closed n i didnt have their parents permission
when i said they couldnt go in at first they were adamant but after i explained, they seemed to get it
they walked down there and brought some other kids n stuff


there was a londoner at the party (he apparently likes drake, the rapper)
pretty cool meeting sum1 w an MLE accent

---

me n my bro walked to krispy kreme during the party (i asked my dad cuz ik hes more ok w exploring stuffs) (also krispy kreme gives out free stuff if u have a good report card)


so me n my bro walked n my dad watched from behind
it was nice walking there n chill
ok so we got there n waited in line n showed the guy our report cards n we got a whole DOZEN


ngl crossing the road the second time around was more difficult
there were more cars n we had to wait a bunch
it was lowk absurd
we did eventually cross tho
(i lowk ran (ToT) )


shortly after getting the donuts, we left



lowk on the highway i think i saw these two freshman girls ik driving and the one on the right seemed to be arguing n shouting (i HOPE its not them, its prolly unlikely)

also i saw a lady straigt up using her phone while driving n holding it directly in front of her n looking at it



i have driving lessons tomorrow


rn im feeling like a jack of all trades master of none
like im not like good w singing, lyric writing
music theory i only know chord stuff


im not that good of a guitar playe
r
i mean ppl like my music tho

idk
im jealous ☠️

pretty pathetic
its easier to be jealous than it is to try


i mean the phrase does say "but sometimes/oftentimes better than a master of none"

today was alr

went to the area near the jetty n stuff w my dad
it was alr we walked around
i wish i brought shoes instead of sandals (cuz the sand)

my dad wanted to walk onto the jetty and i didnt n cuz i was afraid of the water risinhg n i told him he should stay back too he said i should go n join him n i said no n he was like
"dont u trust me?"

idk i rlly didnt wanna go on there
we got panda express

my dad said i should let go of the door and i didnt rllly cuz i wasnt sure if he was fully in n i didnt see him holding the door

my dad said that i dont trust n its bad

all in all it was alr

my mom made fun of me for clearing my throat n said that i sounded like a bigger person (ig it did sound funny but it pmo that she did that)
also she got on me for staying on the stairs when she said that n js standing (i was walking up on the stairs already i js felt done w her so i didnt go up)
she also asked me if i was satisfied w going downtown n made fun of me for that


ngl earlier she was on me for not getting pants a zippers which is fair cuz like stuff can fall out my pockets but like i waited a bit to change the pants n she was like "ur late" "ur not gonna make it to the bus" mind u we had like 10 minutes


lowk thought about a situation in which id feel meaningless
if i physically incapable to play guitar id be really depressed
id be way more ok w dying then

i should be more optimistic n less envious

im gonna talk abt things i like/am happy about:

i get good grades
people think im smart
people are generally nice to me
people generally like me
im good w music
people like my music

day was alr, made some riffs in the strange tuning i came up w

walked w my dad n lil bro

i wanted to walk to the park and he wanted to walk around the house
we ended up walking to the park

ngl i wish i could walk alone omg fml

worst case scenario i die atp thets preferable if thats wat it takes js let me die so i at least die on a high note



fuck

idk been feeling empty
not like shit or whatever

boring regular day

my dad n i may go downtown which is nice
i js wish i could walk alone god

we have fucking life360
and my mom bought pepper spray im so fucking tired of her fears and all this shit as if being out alone isnt better than being w them

more peaceful

fuck me